All of my life, any time I was asked what I wanted most out of my life, I would always say “I want to be a wife and a momma.” Everything I imagined my life would be was enveloped in that dream of having a husband that I adored and a beautiful baby that was a perfect blend of us both. On May 18, 2012, the first part of my dream fell into place. That was the day I married my precious husband, Bryce. I was twenty years old, in the middle of nursing school and so incredibly in love. We knew we both wanted to graduate college before bringing babies into the world, and we were convinced that whenever we were both ready, it would just happen. Two and a half years into marriage and we both just felt the time was right, we would move on to the next step in life and become parents. Things are not always so simple, unfortunately. After nine months of heartbreak, and DOZENS of negative home pregnancy test kits, I was given a diagnosis that at least answered some of my questions as to why we had gotten nowhere. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome..it even looks heavy all typed out now as it did when I heard my doctor say those words. I am one in ten women with this condition. “It is treatable, and many women still go on to conceive and carry healthy babies”, he said.
We also found out during this time that my husband had abnormalities of his own. Just over a year into our journey of starting a family, he had to have a corrective surgery. It felt like the odds were stacked against us. In all of this, I wondered where God was. I was angry that He would make me walk through this, that He would make my husband walk through this. I did not understand. Sometimes, I still don’t. In all of my doubt, and all of my anger, and all of my fear, God was still there. He had blessed me with a husband who loves me more than life and has supported me and comforted me through everything, and a best friend who has held my hand and cried with me and prayed over me. They showed me that God was still present and active in my life and He even had things coming for me I didn’t expect in a million years. I didn’t know at that time, but God was bringing me exactly what my “momma heart” needed. He brought these airmen I had taken to church, two of them in particular, into my world. They needed someone to love them and care for them while away from home for the first time, and I needed someone to love and take care for. They call me “Mom”. They even wished me a happy Mother’s Day and made me feel included when my body told me I was not. Now, we are sitting at eighteen months with no child in sight. I know that there are couples who have waited longer, or are never able to have children of their own, so I don’t share my story to make others feel sad or even bitter that I haven’t been struggling as long as it feels it has been to me, but to just let the message out there that we are not alone. God has not forgotten me. He has not forgotten you. I struggle still with trying to remember that my God is good, and He has good in store for me, but it doesn’t make it any less true. I do not know what our future holds, whether we are to foster, or adopt, or pursue other medical options, but I do know that I can trust my Jesus and know that God has brought blessing out of barrenness, and He will continue to, all for His glory. I am okay with that. Not my will, but yours, Lord..
Photography by Nichole Kirk
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