It’s hard to really put into words who I was before this part of my journey happened. Honestly it’s hard to remember. At the time, I would have said I was just a normal 26 year old. I had moved to Fort Worth for grad school and after I decided that school wasn’t the place for me, I made the decision to stay in Fort Worth. I was working and had friends and was just happy and things were good. At this point, I would say my relationship with God wasn’t the main priority. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t a wild child rebel but I wasn’t close to God. I really don’t like saying his name at all and even now, I rarely say it. Around the time I met him, I was still in grad school and the way we met was like a dream. The guy I met that night swept me off my feet and there was such a deep connection. I’m not going to lie- I was smitten. Everything about him (or should I say everything he showed me) was just what I’d been looking for. Between this night and when we started dating, there were just a lot of things that looking back now, I see were red flags. Actually they were neon-blinking signs. We would talk and went on dates and then he would disappear. He would come back around and then bail. This went on for about a year. At the time I didn’t know that I was going through kind of a lost period. I was questioning a lot of things in my life and was very, very insecure. Fast forward to June of 2010, I don’t know how to explain it but we ended up talking and one day he came over and just never left. At the beginning, things were good. The newness was still there. He definitely had a temper and would fly off the handle at the littlest things. But it was never directed at me. However, slowly he began to isolate me from my family and friends. And for me, my family and friends are everything. He would berate me and make fun of me for talking to my mom as often as I did. It just became easier to not talk to her as much. While we were together, I saw my best friends, maybe three times and he would never want to meet them. He would constantly tell me how lucky I was to be with someone like him and that I’d never get anyone as “hot”. When you hear those things enough, you just start believing them. About 5 months into our relationship was when everything changed for the worse. Let me stop here and add that I tried to look happy but inside my heart was twisted up and I just felt like something wasn’t right. I ignored it and pushed the questions and doubts back. I’m not stupid, I saw his phone and that he was talking to some girl and when I asked him about it, he freaked out. It’s really hard to think about and talk about. But that was the first night that he physically abused me. I’ve never been hurt as bad as I was that night (up to that point, anyway). At one point he actually took a beer cap and scratched it so deep in my chest I still have the scars. I had always said “I would never ever in a million years stay with someone who abused me.” But the truth is you don’t know until you are there. He had me so convinced that I was nothing without him by this point. Where would I go? How could I tell the people I love that he beat the crap out of me? After he had calmed down he was so apologetic. Man he was so good with words and he made me really think he was so sorry and that he would never do it again. He begged me to stay. In my head, I knew I should run but my heart wasn’t sure. He played on my love for him and my insecurities that were just below the surface. After that night, I learned something. I learned how to get really good at lying. When my family asked me what happened to my chest, I would reply that my cat, Apollo, had gotten mad and scratched me. The reason why I got that good at lying was that despite the presents and promises, that night was just the beginning. He did it again and again and again. In the course of about a two year relationship, I was kicked, choked, burned with cigarette butts (even more painful than I could ever describe), spit on, punched in the face, bitten, and this happened more times than I could ever count. Life was unbearable but I was so brainwashed. He would punch me in my face and I would apologize. I shouldn’t have been so stupid and made him so mad. I can remember standing in front of the bathroom mirror, covered in bruises from head to toe after a really bad night with him and I didn’t even cry. I was so numb and I honestly believed at that time it was my fault. If I was better, smarter, prettier, he wouldn’t get so mad and he wouldn’t beat me up. I also learned how to cover things up with makeup, long sleeve shirts and hats. I avoided my family and when I had a mark or bruise, I’d lie. I burned myself on my straightener when he’d burned me with a cigarette butt. I hit my head on a cabinet when really he punched me in the forehead about 20 times. I’m not sitting here and saying poor me or putting all the blame on him. I was at such a low place that it was easy for him to swoop in and just take over. To let him start really slow and quiet at first, filling me all of these things. Over time I really believed it…. I was stupid, I was weak, I was ugly and fat and I should thank God everyday that he picked me to be with, I’ll never be anything without him. I’ll never be with anyone as good as him. Everything I did was wrong. Everything I said was wrong. I apologized for everything. He would beat me and eventually he stopped apologizing. But I always apologized for whatever I did or said that made him mad. There was a point closer to the end of our relationship where I started to feel like I had enough. I didn’t know if I could or how it was possible to get away from him. The abuse (physical, mental, emotional) was happening every single day. I would get ready to leave and he would say that he would kill Apollo and me first. So I would get scared. He had proven that he was very capable of hurting my cat and me. I’d want to leave again and then he would start to say that if I left he would kill himself. I thought I loved him and how could I live with myself if he killed himself because I left? The next time I really tried to leave, he told that he would kill my parents and me. I know it sounds like talk but I knew just what he could do. I was so isolated and knew that people would judge me for staying about two years. I felt so trapped and so low and I can remember laying in bed thinking that the only way I was going to escape this hell was to kill him. I really felt like there was no other way. I don’t really remember how it happened but Evan and I were at my parents’ house and my mom saw the bruises on my face. I’ll never forget the look on her face when she saw and really realized what they were. The day before he had been especially brutal and he had actually hit me full force with a baseball bat. I’ll never forget her crying and without me saying anything, she knew. That day, I took him back to Fort Worth and went back home to parents. God could only direct the way that day unfolded. It was like I stopped lying and hiding and just admitted what had been going on. I went home with just what I had in my car. All of my possessions had been pawned. I had no money, no job. Nothing. I was a shell. I was empty and broken and felt like the worlds biggest disappointment. It was so hard to face my parents. I had everything and I threw it all away for him because I believed all the lies he told me. I let him hurt me so bad that I still have the scars today. I was at a place where I was so far from God and so insecure that this abusive con artist just slid right in and took over. It was hard to face my parents. It was even harder to face God. I felt so much shame and regret and hurt and brokenness. This was in 2012. Fast-forward four years and as I’m sitting here, it is physically painful to think about this. However, I’m here to say that redemption is possible. It has been the hardest, longest, most painful journey of my life to come back from those two years and what he did to me. I can honestly can that because of God, the amazing support of my family and best friends; I am not the person I was. I had to apologize to a lot of people and I had to make amends but the people who truly love me never hesitated to forgive me and restore relationships. God has used the last four years to take me from a place of intense shame and darkness to a place where I don’t want to throw up when I think about him or the past. He has brought me to the place where I feel free. When I was with him I lost an apartment, four jobs, and racked up a lot of debt. God met me in my brokenness and slowly began to move. The physical scars healed and faded but the emotional ones were a lot harder to get over. I had this tape in my mind that would just play and replay and play again of the things he said to me, the horrible names he would call me. Even now, I still have to fight the replay. Words can do cosmic damage. Four years later and I am at the best place I’ve been in. I have a full time job that is the biggest blessing. I have an amazing tribe- my family and best friends are my rock. I’m paying off all the debts I’ve accumulated so I can move forward. Let me just stop here and say that once the hurt and shame began to heal, a lot of anger began to creep in. Anger like I’d never felt before. Anger towards him for hurting me so bad- nearly killing me a few times. There were some moments when I just wanted to find him and punch him in throat. I was also really mad at myself. Mad that I let myself get in that situation and staying in it. Mad that I was so weak and so insecure it was that easy for him to take me over. The anger was actually the hardest part to get over. My intense anger towards him was not affecting him in the least. It wasn’t hurting him. It was only hurting me. It really is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I had put so many hours and so much work into this healing process and the anger was hindering it. I had to get to the place when I got right with God and truly felt forgiven for the hundreds of mistakes Id made. God met me where I was and took me by the hand and led to a place of restoration. I’ve retrained my mind to not hear the endless bunch of lies he told me for two years. I had to retrain myself to believe that God still loved me even though I let him down in astronomical ways. I am not the thousands of horrible things he said to me. I am beautiful and worthy and am here for reason. My scars indicate where I have been, they do not have to dictate where I’m going. I guess my goal in sharing this part of my life (something I’d much rather hide and forget) is to hopefully show to power of God’s grace and redemption. I feel so strongly about women who are in relationships like the one I was in. Society tells you that you should have left. You could have gotten out. It is not that simple. When your partner is so deep in your mind, you believe everything he says. Words are so powerful and can destroy you from the inside out. No matter what he says, society says, you weren’t weak for staying. You didn’t deserve what you went through or are going through.
In writing this and really looking inward, I’m realizing that hiding from the past doesn’t change it. I think what I went through has given me a different perspective. It makes me want to see past the façade and the smile people show and really dig deep. Now, I don’t want superficial small talk or sugarcoated words. I want relationships that are deep and meaningful. I have learned that my relationship with God and my relationship with myself are things that take the highest importance. I have to take what I have learned from what I went through to be a better person, to be more loving and kind. I don’t know how the rest of my story will play out. For the first time, I can honestly say I feel so excited and so hopefully for the future. It’s still hard to look in the mirror and see the scars. But God is changing how I see them. Looking back, I can see that even when I felt so alone, God was always right there. He is reason that I am alive because there were dozens of times he could have just killed me. My story could have ended so differently. I can’t even put into words how thankful I am for my family who surrounded me, supported me and loved me through the darkest days. And my best friends! Oh my goodness! They know who they are and to have people who know my past and love me anyway, to have a safe place to go with no judgment or expectations is something I treasure. I’m so thankful that God didn’t leave me, even though I left him. I bought the “grace upon grace” necklace from Dear Heart Designs during this journey because it really spoke to me and described this season of growth and restoration. I’m alive because of grace. I am here- healthy, happy and healed- because of grace. I have a future and so many wonderful things in my life because of grace. And someday, through grace, I want to use my story and my voice to help other women. If what I went through could touch one person’s heart, this would all be worth it. Life is beautiful and fragile and hard and fleeting. This whole experience has taught me to really grab a hold of life and soak up every moment. To put other people’s needs before my own. To show people that they matter. Their story matters. KINDNESS is so important and the world needs more of it. I’m just one person but I can make a difference in the lives of people around me. So because of grace I can say that even when it’s hard and hurts and you think there is no possible way out, there is. Just keep looking. The love & light bar can be purchased here.
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It was September 27, I will never forget that day. The mood in our household was completely different as I was listening to the man I vowed my forever with, telling me that he didn't love me anymore and that he was not coming back home. I never knew what it felt like to have an “out of body” experience but I did that day. My whole world was shifted and turned upside down. I sat there with tears streaming down my face while not even one single tear touched his. I knew he didn’t love me and though the past several months I did counseling, read books, and listen to sermon after sermon..it did nothing to save my marriage. A million questions popped into my mind- How am I going to raise our child alone? How will I support us? How could he do this to me? What is wrong with me? It all ran through my head over and over. I begged him not to go as I did not believe in divorce through my faith in Christ, but I was left with no options. It turned out he was there with someone else he had been seeing for months- the ultimate betrayal. What most people do not know about my divorce is three days before this conversation, I sat down in the back of my church during the middle of the day for hours praying and crying. I asked God to show me what He wants in my life. I asked for forgiveness in my marriage and if His will be done, to save it. I remember after literally handing it all over to him in prayer, a calming feeling coming over me. It was like I felt Jesus standing there telling me "My child, I shed my blood for you and I will redeem you out of this too." James 1:6- “But he must ask in faith without doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed in the wind.” Fast forward three more months, I was sitting at lunch with my mom and sister when my mom first told us that my parents, after 25 years, are now getting a divorce. Nothing was making sense. I was listening to “reasons” and I was thinking how fixable their marriage was. Though their marriage was no picture perfect, I never imagined my parents getting a divorce. While still trying to figure out how to feel and process my own marriage failing, I now had to deal with my family falling apart as well. There is no greater fear than feeling as though your entire foundation of "family" is falling apart around you and all you can do is watch and pray. Well, I did...for months and months and unfortunately the divorce was a done deal. Not only did I lose my foundation of my family, but I lost a best friend as distance grew and grew between my mom and I. It was just one more core relationship that I lost in a short amount of time. Fast forward four more months. I received a call that my best friend's dad (basically my second dad) was having complications from his cancer and would be needing surgery. I went to the hospital every single day for 6 days. I watched him get better and then worse. I even took my sweet Mady Sue up to see Mr. Tony. The night before he passed away, Mady went into his room and sang him “Jesus loves me”…I will never forget that moment that he looked over to her and smiled. He took a turn for the worst on a Tuesday evening and at 3:00 am, I received a text from my friend that he passed away. It is still a loss that I cannot process, but everytime we drive by Tony’s grave site, Mady always says “Look mom! Mr. Tony is with Jesus and God! His tummy doesn’t hurt anymore.” Phillippians 1:3-“ I thank my God every time I remember you.” Two months after this, I was pulled into the office at my work and was told that I lost my job. I begged for them to keep me in my position but there was nothing I could do. As a single mom, that is the biggest fear as you do not know how you will provide for your child. I was now single, alone, and not without a job. There was my breaking point- I had literally lost everything. My husband, my family, my best friend's dad, and now my job. If ever there was a lowest of lows, I can tell you that this was it. What was God trying to show me? Why would he let all this happen to me? And all in the same year? It almost seemed cruel. I remember literally sitting down on my kitchen floor and crying harder than I have ever cried before. I threw my hands up and handed over every emotion from the past year over to him and said "God I can't anymore, but you can. Let Thy Will Be Done" and this is how I can tell you about his amazing Grace. You see- when God allowed Zach to leave me, He taught me that I am strong but not just for myself, that I am strong in my faith and he is my strength. I also learned and remembered that God was my first soulmate. He created an everlasting love for me and something no one will ever come between. He was there to catch my tears and heal a broken heart, and He loves me…really loves me. God made a man who is perfectly designed for me and my heart- and I will wait for him. When my parents divorced- He showed me a love that I never felt through my sister- who is now by far my best friend. She was there to make sure I didn't fall and when I did, she was there to remind me how much God loves me and that He is my new husband who will be there to love me, support me, and comfort me. She cried with me, laughed with me, and even made sure to include me in everything so I knew I still had a family with hers. When Tony died, I was able to witness to my best friend and remind her family that though this was hard, God was going to hold Tony with open and loving arms. And I was there to hold my best friend with a Christ love in a hard time. And lastly, when I lost my job, He gave me an even better opportunity for me and Mady. I am not afraid anymore because you see...my God always had my back. He was always there for me and even at my lowest of lows, He held me and took it all off my shoulders when I couldn't bare no more. I am amazed that I can serve the one True God who so selfishly loves me more than I deserve. Jeremiah 29:11-“For I know what I have planned for’, says the Lord. ‘I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope.”
Dear Heart Design's pieces are meant to provide opportunities to share your story or testimony with others. Each story shared in Unveiling Grace receives a piece to allow them to further share their story with others every single day. Have a story to share? www.dearheartdesigns.com At 16 years old, you have a carefree, simple life and a life full of possibilities. I was so happy; I loved always hanging out with my friends, playing basketball, running track, and I’ll admit, like most girls at that age, I was a little boy crazy. I loved food, any kind of food and especially bread. Now food consists of anxiety, counting calories, fat, etc; the joy of that feeling is never fully there anymore. Even now, as I sit here and begin to write this, I still cannot believe this has been my journey, and I have so much anxiety because then everyone will know. This is the first time for me to publicly say that I have an eating disorder. At 16 I fell hard for a boy. He was my first love, and I gave him everything. I was constantly looking for attention, approval, and love in the wrong places. When it ended, I was left with my heart broken, lost and feeling completely alone. I was always looking for someone or something to fulfill me, instead of looking and longing for any kind of relationship with God. I would always go to Wednesday night church with a group of friends and I always knew what I needed to do but I reached a point where I thought that God couldn’t possibly forgive me for what I had done. I thought no one would love me again because of my choices. I had all the love I ever needed right there but couldn’t see it. I was so down on myself. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I began to become depressed, and during that time I felt that I lost control over everything in my life so I felt the only thing I could control was my weight. My mom would make dinner, and I would play with my food long enough that no one would notice I didn’t eat it. I weighed myself every chance I got and I was always looking into the mirror pulling at “my fat.” In no time, I went from a size 4 to a zero, from 125lbs to 109. My parents tried sending me to a therapist, but I wasn’t ready, “I was in control.” Having anorexia and “controlling” my life in that way meant I did not have to deal with the hurt I was also hiding in my life. I felt like people began to notice me more, they would complement me and tell me how good I look, so I was going to keep doing what I was doing. Over time my heart was slowly healing, but it wasn’t whole. There are times I knew I needed to stop not eating, but I couldn’t do it. I had done it for so long that I loved my image and it became my new normal. If I would have been more concerned developing and patching my relationship with God, it would have helped me sooner. Months later, I met a boy who would end up being my husband. He was a pure gentleman and pursued me with a gentle heart. He was very strong in his catholic faith and his love of God, and it was exactly the person I needed in my life. It wasn’t until the day he told me he loved me that I realized I couldn’t truly love someone if I didn’t love myself. He brought me closer to God and showed me that putting God first was important. He patiently waited for me until I was ready to give him my whole heart, flaws and all. My husband knew about my eating disorder and was very supportive and loving, but it still wasn’t strong enough to keep it at bay. Five years later while in college, I had to take an Addiction Disorder and Recovery Studies class, little did I know what a blessing it would be. I thought it would reassure me that I was cured, I didn’t still have a problem …boy was I wrong! I came home after lecture one day bewildered, confused, upset, you name it! It was that day I realized I will live with anorexia, I will NEVER not have an eating disorder. This was really hard for me to accept. I cried and cried and prayed for God to give me strength to be the best version of myself. I prayed God would help me to be happy where I am in my life and, when my anxiety or worries come, to give me strength to fight them. When I would pray I would immediately feel this calming presence come over me. It was such a relief feeling Him there telling me I will never be alone. A year later, I had our first daughter. It was a hard adjustment with me trying to finish college and my husband in medical school. The stress and loss of control crept in and I relapsed. I began skipping meals, weighing myself at least 10 times a day, and over exercising. Not to mention the amount of pressure that is put on women to lose the baby weight. I finally admitted I needed to get to a counselor, and it saved me. One of my professors, who was also a counselor, suffered with an eating disorder. I learned a lot from her, and she held me accountable on a lot of my issues. One of the most empowering things I have ever done is throw away the scale I kept in our house; it doesn’t sound like much but it took me months to be able to do that because I would no longer know what my weight was every day, and I will tell you it was the most freeing thing I have ever done. Another fellow Christian woman that I met that has an eating disorder was there for me for this and helped give the strength to do this. I still to this day cannot go down the aisles that have scales because it gives me anxiety. Fast forward 12 years later from the start and I can still tell you that my eating disorder is there, but I have been healthy for 5 ½ years. I fully believe I am a mom to girls to make me stronger, to make me want to be better for them and for our family. There have been challenges and times where I have the urges, but in those moments, I pray and just talk to God. In one of the devotions I am reading Draw the Circle, there is a quote; “The primary purpose of prayer is not to change circumstances; the primary purpose is to change us!” This is so powerful for me! I want Him to give me the strength I need to be a positive example for our three daughters. Knowing I lead them by example pushes me to be more aware of myself and my tendencies to relapse. I am so grateful for God’s forgiveness, mercy, and his grace. I do not feel empty anymore, and my life is so full of so many wonderful things that I work hard to remember the positives. I have found having my girls exercise with me and help me shop at the grocery store helps me to enjoy food and life in a healthy way. I still have days when I want to make the wrong choices, or the times I may see a girl walk by with what I think is the perfect image; I immediately start dissecting my body and what is “disgusting,” and then after my freak out I pray to take those thoughts away. So instead of wasting time thinking those thoughts, I fill that space with the positives in my life. I cannot explain the calm that overcomes me. Talking to God is the most calming thing I do and I know He is listening to me. I am always trying to find a book or devotional to give me new insight to help me better myself in all aspects of life. If this can help even one person, that is a blessing…if more that is amazing. I have had so many mentors, my amazing counselor, my husband and my parents help me through this so do not feel like you have to go through this alone. There is always someone out there who can help you, even if it’s just to listen, cry with you, love you or pray with you, you are never alone. I hope that my experience can be a learning one or comfort to someone who is in need. Always remember, “I am the captain of my fate, I am the master of my soul.” You control your destiny and can change your story’s ending at any point. It takes strength and God’s grace and mercy; with that, anything is possible. Quote by William Henley
You have cancer. Nothing prepares you to hear those words. Those words have always belonged to someone else’s life, but not mine. Countless friends and family members had heard those words, but not me….that is not until April of 2015. You have cancer were the words that would change my life. Finding out you have cancer is like being on a train and it suddenly stops. There’s a deafening silence, a disorientation and then there’s the question…what happened? Why did my train stop? What do I do know? Am I still headed in the same direction? Will my train start up again? My first job out of college was working for the American Cancer Society. I worked there for 8 years and helped many, many cancer patients over those years. During this time I grew accustom to fitting women with wigs because they had lost their hair, fitting women with prosthesis in the cavity where once was a breast was and mourning the loss when one of our clients would pass away. I let myself believe by helping others I was somehow immune from cancer. Flash forward to March of last year and my yearly mammogram. I had them faithfully since the age of 40 and felt this would keep me from getting cancer too. I had begun noticing a thickening or change in my left breast (no lumps) during my breast self-check exams a few months earlier. When I went for my mammogram, I asked the tech to be sure and look carefully in that area. To my amazement she said she needed to take another picture. Then she said yes there’s something there, let me take it to the radiologist. She left me sitting in the room by myself for a long time and that’s when the first thought came to me, “what if it’s cancer?” After what seemed a very long time, she came back in and said the radiologist wants to see you. He showed me the spot and said I needed to see a surgeon but he tried to reassure me it could be possibly just a fibroid or cyst. Even after all this and being referred to a surgeon, I still wouldn’t believe or entertain the thought I could have cancer. When I went to the surgeon, he told me he could do a biopsy and I could have the biopsy surgery the next day. I lost it. I told him I didn’t have time for surgery because I had to plan to take time off work and mentally prepare myself for something like this. I settled for a stereotactic biopsy in his office the next Monday after Easter. I didn’t tell anyone except of course my husband I was having the biopsy. I went by myself because it was really important during this time that no one know, and I thought I was being brave. Honestly, I think I was still in denial and the bad dream would go away. I have always been a very private person so if it was cancer, I knew I would probably have to make it public and for me the attention and worried looks and questions would be very hard to manage. I went to work after the biopsy, sore, my breast bandaged and didn’t tell a soul. They told me it would take a couple of days on the results and I waited and assured myself it was a cyst or something that wouldn’t require any treatment. I bargained, pleaded and cried to God for it to be benign. I was rocking along in my life – trying to keep the pieces of a very busy life together and I didn’t have time for cancer. I was more worried how cancer would interrupt my “normal” life. I knew if I had cancer it would mean treatments and surgeries and possibly even facing my own mortality. I didn’t know how I would keep working and not let it interrupt my life too much. I didn’t want the attention or vulnerability cancer would bring. I received the results three days later, April 9 at work, as I was winding up the day. The nurse called and said, its cancer. I was in shock. There it was…the spector that haunts the lives of so many. I got my purse and left the building like nothing was wrong, waited until I was in my car and called my husband bawling. I was most upset about having to call and tell my parents. My Mom had her own breast cancer battle a few years earlier and we were still trying to come to grips from going through her journey. And in their eyes, I was still their little girl. How was this going to affect them? Your children aren’t supposed to suffer. I had my lumpectomy on May 13 and a week later we celebrated my daughter’s wedding. Yes, during all of this, I was planning a wedding trying to carry on life as normal as possible. It took me awhile to tell my daughter because I didn’t want to put a damper on her special day. I saw the oncologist a week after my daughter’s wedding. Walking into the Texoma Cancer Center as a patient, I remember what a surreal, almost out of body experience, it was for me. I couldn’t believe I was walking in there as a patient, not as a cancer advocate. I knew so many people in there and everyone would stop and ask me why I was there and then get a sad look on their face. I knew that look well. I’d seen it many times before. We met with the oncologist and I wish I could tell you I was stoic but it didn’t happen. I was crying the whole time, especially when he said I needed chemotherapy. One of my fears for as long as I could remember was losing my hair. I probably got this fear from working with cancer patients but when my oncologist told me I would need chemo, I knew exactly what that meant and my worst fear would come true. Exactly 21 days after my first chemo, my hair started falling out. Interestingly enough, I wanted my hair to fall out at this moment because my scalp was so tender and my hair hurt. I had my dear hairdresser Teresa shave it all off and I started wearing a wig. (As a side note, I got so many compliments wearing a wig. In fact, my own daughter told me she liked it better than my own hair.) But God is so good and my hair grew back, darker, thicker and with more body I could have only dreamed about before chemo. Cancer was a gift. How can something that ravages your body and possibly kill you be a gift? In It’s a Wonderful Life, George Bailey gets to see what life would be like without him. I was given the most precious gift in the world. God put people in my path continuously who encouraged me, helping me to keep it together. I got to see how much people loved me during this time. I didn’t have to imagine who would show up at my funeral. I was humbled to the core from the dinners, cards, money, t-shirts made with my name on them and worn by so many people – everything everyone did to show me love. God’s grace was sufficient to carry me through this difficult time and this gave me a new outlook on my experience. Cancer gave me the gift of time. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Today is our gift: to show love to others as God loves us and to walk in forgiveness with others. Cancer gave me the courage to start With These Words, a writing business with my dear friend Ashlei and follow my passion for writing. I know I wouldn’t have made a life altering decision to quit my job and start a new venture if I hadn’t had cancer. I’m not saying those decisions can only be made if you have cancer. Cancer just reminded me of how short life is and what was I waiting for? Cancer tried to take my confidence, my courage and my love of life. I would like to tell you I went through my whole cancer journey with a Pollyannaish attitude and pink positivity. But I didn’t. I cried when exhaustion would set in and I prayed to God every single day for strength, especially on the days I would drive to Decatur for radiation after working all day. Courage dear heart became my motto. I needed something to hold on to. My friend Ashlei made me a sign with those words and had all my friends sign it. I hung it on my wall at work and every day I would look at it and remind myself to have courage. This article is dedicated to anyone fighting cancer or is a cancer survivor facing what seems to be unsurmountable obstacles and to remind you to have Courage, Dear Heart.
I never really knew a life apart from God. I grew up in a loving home with my parents and two sisters. I was born in California, moved to Colorado just before 6th grade, then to Texas in 9th grade. We attended Presbyterian churches on Sundays, but I never really connected with God. I believed the stories, but didn't feel His presence, or hear His voice. I didn't know what a relationship with the Lord looked like. I went to Young Life early on in high school and chose to follow Jesus. I wanted what they talked about! I thought that I was being a "good Christian" because I wasn't drinking on the weekends, or having sex with my boyfriend. I thought that was good! When I was a sophomore in high school, I met a guy through an acquaintance. She told both of us separately that we would be perfect for each other! One day, she pointed him out to me in the hall, but Kingwood High School was huge and I wasn't super outgoing. Fast forward to senior year and I formally meet him through mutual friends. We hang with the same group and both worked at my friend's mom's toy store. We just enjoyed spending time together...as friends. We took a defensive driving class together and I remember at one point, I sneezed. I don't know...I guess it was a funny sneeze...The comedian teacher looked at him and asked, “Does she ALWAYS sneeze like that?!" and he just shrugged and laughed. I remember thinking "I want him to know how I sneeze." He moved to Colorado and we lost touch for about 10 months. I remember being excited to hear he was coming back into town, I had missed my friend. He came to my house the night he got into town and we went on our first date the next night. We both knew pretty early on that we were "done"...we wanted to get married, but we fell into sexual sin. Shame and guilt were fierce, but we kept down that road. Like Adam & Eve, we hid from God, instead of turning and repenting. We bought into the lie that since we both knew we were going to get married eventually, it would be ok. Without realizing it, I had put my guy in my God spot. God created a place in our hearts that is for Him only, and instead, I was consumed with my new relationship. When we put someone in that God spot, we are setting ourselves for failure. My guy joined the Coast Guard and got stationed in San Francisco. Before he had joined the Coast Guard, I had already planned on going to the University of Texas in the fall...so that's what I did. But our relationship was the most important thing in my life...my grades were mediocre, and I really lived to talk to him/plan when we'd see each other next. We married in July of 2000, I was 19 and he was 21. After the wedding, we drove a UHaul packed to the gills to California to start our life together. I had two years left of college, but figured I'd finish wherever we transferred next, he only had a few months left in San Francisco. We got what we had hoped....we were moving to Hawaii! Just after we moved, I found out I was pregnant! We joke that we can't drink from the same cup, because I'll get pregnant. In six and a half years, I had five boys (three in Hawaii). After a healthy first baby boy, we were surprised to learn our second son had a rare chromosome abnormality called Trisomy 13. The doctors gave him a 2% chance of being born alive, but we were blessed with three days with him. We just celebrated his birthday last week, he would be 13! We considered those three days our miracle, and thanked God for that. But, there was still grief. We attended church, I went to a bible study, but still, I felt lost. My arms were empty, and so felt my heart. We pushed the pain down, and pulled ourselves up and kept going. I feel like I didn't allow myself to go through the grieving process properly. After Hawaii, we moved to Galveston, then Rhode Island, then California, Florida, Virginia...my role as military wife and mom of four boys was consuming. My identity had been rooted in being a Coast Guard wife and mom. But, the truth is my identity is in God. He showed me who I really am! My family can be taken away, but my God will not leave me. "And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you, do not fear, nor be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8 Five years ago I learned of my husband's betrayal to me and our covenant. Remember, my joy was found in him....it was devastating. I had another choice. I believed God loved me, but I was angry. I was careful with whom I shared what I was going through at the time, and I remember someone said "this too shall pass" I felt like that was so harsh. I wanted to be coddled, I was the victim. I stayed there for some time. But, I want to be powerful. I don't want my life to be a reaction to what happens around me. Things happen to us that we cannot control, but we have the choice in how we will respond. I want my response to reflect my beliefs, so that means respond in truth, grace, love. When you can't trust anyone else, trust God. Trust that he will put people in your path that will walk beside you. Pray and ask Him for that! We were blessed to be able to go to a weekend intensive. Basically, it was a counseling session over a whole weekend... just my husband, the husband & wife counseling team & me. There, we were prayed for, poured into, and seeds were sewn for restoration. I say "seeds" intentionally, we were not restored in one weekend; it is a process! A process that we really wanted to speed up, but we have to crawl before we walk, or run. "Trust the process," I can't tell you how many times we were told that...but you know what? It's true. We had to walk through and address the pain, even old pain and grief, in order to get move toward our goal. I had to choose if I was going to forgive, and move forward with my husband. Staying in the hurt place where I felt like a victim was leading me to anger & bitterness, and that's not who I wanted to be. Not for myself, or for an example for my boys. We both had work to do. It was messy. It wasn't perfect. I know I tried to pick up & use weapons that weren't in line with who I am...I tried to punish my husband, but I'm not the punisher. I tried to hurt him to show him how much he'd hurt me...but that's not who I wanted to be. With lots of prayer, therapy and wise counsel, we both chose to move towards connection. We were going to a church at the time, but we met with the pastor and his wife and they sympathized with us, but were not equipped to walk beside us. I got a text, on a Tuesday from my husband asking, “Do you want to try a new church tonight? I found it online and they have a Tuesday night service." I agreed. We dropped the boys off in their classes, walked into the sanctuary & sat in the back. We sat, while for the next 2 hours, the worship team prayed & sang, sometimes songs, sometimes spontaneous worship. And, I was lost. I remember the worship leader saying “Do you feel the joy of the Lord? If you don't, come up here...we want to pray for you" and my husband went up. He sat down at the front, sobbing. I stayed in the back, crying with my eyes closed, mad at God for not showing up for me and just mad. I felt a hand on my shoulder & opened my eyes. It was the worship leader. She introduced herself; she said, “My name is Bebette. I saw you walk in & I've been worshipping for you tonight. I know what you've been through, I went through it too, here's my number if you ever want to talk...I'm a pastor here." I don't even know if what I said back was coherent, but she was reassuring, said "I know. Call me," and that was a turning point. We started going to that church, and I started meeting with Bebette, weekly. I learned so much there, and started to really grow in my walk with the Lord. I knew I had chosen to stay in my marriage, but it didn't know what forgiveness looked like. It's easy to say that we forgive someone for an offense, but what does that look like when you really still hurt? I thought forgiveness was letting someone off the hook for what they'd done. When, really, forgiveness does not excuse the offense, it isn't for the offender at all. Forgiveness is for the offended.... For me, it was choosing to let go of blame. I'm not the judge, or jury. We all sin. We all fall short. While I acknowledged that there were areas where I still needed healing, I wasn't going to stay stuck in, and live based on my hurt. I CHOSE to move forward. My goal was connection, and restoration in my relationship with my husband, and in order to step into that, I had to CHOOSE to think the best about him. Regardless of the way I felt. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Cor 13:7 In order for us to start moving in a positive direction, I had to step out of my own pain. To look outside myself and look toward the goal! I'm thankful that Jesus forgives me, and I choose joy. I choose freedom. We are only able to forgive because we were forgiven. Christ forgave all of our sins when He died on the cross. Past, present and future sins are all covered by his blood. They are finished. TRUST in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding Proverbs 3:5 Rose Gold Foiled Print by Lily and Sparrow Design Co. That tells us to not even trust our own understanding! We are commanded to trust Him. I had to learn how to trust God with my situation….Trust God with His timing…Trust God with my husband and that He had him where he wanted him. We are designed to live out of trust. My identity is a child of God, a chosen one! Jesus chooses me. Even when we don't feel chosen by others, Jesus chooses us. If we choose to forgive others, and trust God, He gives us freedom! I tend to want to control things. There is such freedom when we learn to give God control & just let Him work things out....He always does! This is not one choice we make...we are constantly renewing our minds, we'll be tempted to go back to our old ways, or what we feel like...but choose to believe and trust in the Lord! My story is really His story...and while I am thankful for the restoration in my marriage...my guy is reaching toward God, instead of trying to please others & himself. We are where God promised... but…more than the thankfulness in restoration of my marriage, I praise Jesus for the relationship with my God!! I am so thankful that my eyes were opened to my own foolishness. My need for Christ is great, and He is able to meet that need. Dear Heart Design's pieces are meant to provide opportunities to share your story or testimony with others. Each story shared in Unveiling Grace receives a piece to allow them to further share their story with others every single day. Have a story to share? www.dearheartdesigns.com
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