"Amber, I am sorry to tell you this, but your Papa Willie has passed away." I will never forget that heartbreaking phone call that I had received over a year ago. I knew that this would come and I tried to be prepared, but I wasn't prepared for what had happened next... When my Papa passed away, I began to feel my depression taken over me. I ended up failing a couple of classes that fall semester. I had given up and dropped out of college in the Spring. I couldn't handle the fact that my papa was gone. I ended up taking my pain out on God. I would cry every night asking him, "Why did you take him away? Why God? Why? Just give me an answer." I ended becoming so angry at Him. I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. I just couldn't understand why he would do this to me... When I felt like God had given up on me, Satan made his way in. Let me tell you, when Satan comes around, he knows how to knock you down and makes sure you don't get back up. My depression ended up taking a downward spiral. I ended up doing things to myself that I am not proud of. I ended up self harming, once again. I ended up contemplating if I should try another suicide attempt. I had given up at this point. And that truly broke my heart because I had promised myself that I would never think about suicide after my first failed attempt. I should have been happy at this point of my life. I had a loving family and supportive friends. I had gotten married to an amazing man who loved me dearly. My husband and I had bought our first house. Things were going well for us, but I still was not happy. I wanted to be with my Papa. I thought God was selfish when he decided to take my Papa away from me. I couldn't bear the pain and depression anymore, so I told my family that I needed help, desperately. I realized that I couldn't bear all of this pain anymore. I decided to go to a therapist. While talking to my therapist, I began to realize that God wasn't the selfish one, it was me. God was taking my Papa's pain away and letting him be at ease. I wanted him back here with me for my own selfish reasons. But for some reason, I was still weary about my relationship with God. Even though, I had realized that my Papa was in a better place, things started to take a turn for worse for myself. While trying to get some treatment for my depression, I learned that my Thyroid had quit working. My doctor had put me on Levothyroxin (synthroid), which I later on found out would not help me. I thought this new medicine would help me feel better, but I was wrong. About a month later, I was brushing my hair one night when I clump of hair fell into my sink. When I looked up, I began to cry because at that moment, I realized my hair had fallen out. Every day, more and more clumps of hair would fall out. I hated looking at myself in the mirror. With the support of my loving husband, we decided that it was time to have my hair shaved off. At that moment, I began to realize that I will not be able to do this alone, I needed God by side. A very sweet friend of mine send me the link to Ryan Steveson's song "In the eye of the storm." That song had really hit my heart because I decided that God was in control. In November, I ended up getting very sick and was in a great deal of pain. I had spent 3 different nights in and out of the ER, coming home with no answers. I had the worst abdominal pain I could ever imagine and the doctors could not any answers. I began to learn that I had friends and family praying for me because at 2:30 am one day, I was screaming because of the pain and was rushed back to the ER. The ER doctor suggested that it would be a good idea for us to meet with a GI doctor and I am very thankful that he did. We had found out that I had 2 ulcers in my stomach and also Gastritis, but that was not all. My Thyroid levels were very dangerous at that point. My Thyroid levels were over 98 and the average levels are somewhere between 0.5-5.0!! I was diagnosed with Myxedema Crisis and was admitted to the hospital. I had found out that at any moment my body could either have a heart attack or go into a coma. I was very scared, and decided that it was time for me to place everything in God's hands. I kept thinking of the Ryan Stevenson's song, and knew that during this storm in my life God was in control. Ever since that night, things have began to look up for me. I was able to see an Endocrinologist and had received some answers about my Thyroid that we had been praying about. I found out that my B12 levels were very low, and that's I was so exhausted. I had found out that my medication that I had been previously prescribed to take was not helping my Thyroid at all. The Endocrinologist prescribed me Thyroid hormones and also B12 complex. Today, I have become more active at home and also at work. I have lost about 20 pounds since I first found out about my Thyroid. I have more energy, and my depression has greatly decreased. I am loving who I am becoming, and all this would not be possible without God. Through this journey, I realized that even though I may have given up on Him, God never gave up on me. I just have to keep reminding myself that "in the eye of the storm, God is in control. God is the anchor even when my sails are torn." "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 "But those who trust in the Lord for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles;they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak." Isaiah 40:31 Dear Heart Design's pieces are meant to provide opportunities to share your story or testimony with others. 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