When I was a little girl, I always had a strong relationship with God. I loved being a Christian. I went to church every time the doors were open, went to church camp every year, and read my Bible constantly. In my late teens and early twenties, I felt further and further away from God. Little did I know God was going to do amazing things in my life and lead me down a path that would bring me very close to Him, and He accomplished a lot of it through my beautiful children. Over the last few years, I’ve formed a better relationship with Him, but nothing compares to this past year. I have a wonderful husband, an amazing family, and awesome children that have helped bring me down this road, but sometimes it takes God breaking your heart to bring you truly close to Him. “As for God, His way is perfect; The word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him. For who is God, except the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God? It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect.” ~Psalms 18:30-32 I never wanted children. That’s a complete shock to most people who know me now, and know I love children. I love my children, and a lot of children that aren’t even my own. The truth is my first daughter was a surprise. My husband and I had only been married six months when we got pregnant. I was so scared because I had no idea how to take care of a baby. I must have read every parenting book ever written. Before her birth, I didn’t have the best relationship with God. She came April 18, 2013, and she was beautiful. That night after her birth, I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She was so perfect, and I finally felt my faith in God return. We also decided we wanted a big family, and 21 months later, we had another healthy little, beautiful girl. I had easy pregnancies and easy births, and I wanted more babies. On July 11th of this year, I experienced something no mom ever wants...a miscarriage. I was in so much denial at first I didn’t go to the doctor until the next day despite being in a ton of pain. It was so hard to be at the same doctor’s office where I had previously had two normal pregnancies. I had pregnant women all around me while I was trying to cope with the fact that I was losing mine. I was only about 5 weeks, so it was very early and I felt like I should be thankful for that, but I still couldn’t help but feel like somehow it didn’t make a difference. The truth is it doesn’t. No matter how far along you are, you have still lost a child. I wrote in my journal how I wanted to somehow “move on”, and I feared the only thing that could mend my broken heart was another child. A few weeks later, I started having strong pregnancy symptoms. I took probably twenty tests and they were all positive. Our doctor’s office had told us to wait a month, but here it was our rainbow baby! I spoke to our nurse and she told us everything was fine even though we hadn’t waited, and we opted to set our appointment at what we thought was about 10 weeks pregnant to make sure we could see everything. We nervously waited for 5 weeks to pass, and even canceled our family vacation to see my husband’s family in Arizona. Everything was going so well. I let myself get swept up in selecting names, nursery ideas, baby clothes, etc. This was my rainbow after the storm. On September 3rd, I started having some light bleeding that morning. I wasn’t too concerned because it is fairly normal during pregnancy. I was about 8 weeks. My in-laws had been at our house that week and we had finished redoing our guest bathroom. I thought I had just overdone it. By the afternoon, I was having heavy bleeding and unbearable pain. I decided I need to go to the ER and we rushed around our neighborhood trying to find someone to watch our two daughters. We finally decided to take them with us. When we were in the waiting room, I felt something pass and ran to the bathroom. I don’t want to get into all of the gruesome details, but I found my tiny little baby and held it in my hand. I was devastated and in complete shock. Suddenly, I realized all the blood and got rid of everything. This seemed like a poor decision when I thought about it later, but the more I thought about it the more I realized it was probably the right decision. How do you really prepare yourself for those moments? Right after I came out, some of our neighbors came to pick up the girls, thankfully. After they left, I cried more than I ever have in my entire life. It was truly the worst day of my life. I couldn’t even open my Bible or pray for two days. I mean, how could a loving God take two babies from me right in a row? This was supposed to me MY baby, my LIVING baby. I saw a grief counselor about a week after my second miscarriage. I sought out other women who had gone through similar situations. I felt broken, but I was trying to put the pieces back together. I realized that there was no “moving on”. My grief counselor told me I had to find a place in my heart for the babies that I had lost. As I was driving through the country one day, I looked around at everything God created. I started to feel liberated somehow. I began spending time with my two daughters and my husband and finding joy in my life. We made memory boxes for the two babies, Faith and Hope. I finally started putting the pieces back together. A couple of weeks later, my family called me to tell me my Pawpaw was sick again. I’ve been blessed to be really close to all of my grandparents and they have always been a big part of my life. My Pawpaw had had cancer several years ago, and earlier in the year, he had had a tumor in his intestine that they had been able to successfully remove it. They told us they thought there were probably just some lesions that they could go in and surgically remove. I was driving to Amarillo to see him after his surgery, and my sister called me crying. They had found advanced cancer and all they could do was close him up and keep him comfortable. He didn’t have long. My heart shattered again. At one point my grandma asked me how people get through things like this without God, and I told her I had no idea. My Pawpaw got to go stay at the local hospital in our hometown on hospice. Although he was sick and often tired, he still had his mind and we had so many important and good conversations before he passed away. One of things I wanted him to know was that I was at peace with the losses of my two babies, and that I had found a way to carry them in my heart. We read the Bible together, and talked about things like Heaven. I had just started a blog after the loss of my babies as a way to help me grow closer to Him, share my thoughts, and hopefully help others. I’m so glad I got to share it with him. I’m so glad he got to see I was in a good place with God and in my life despite all of the loss and hardships. He was such a good person and a strong Christian. Even though he’s gone, he still inspires me to be a better person everyday. “Sorrow is better than laughter, For by a sad countenance the heart is made better.” ~Ecclesiastes 7:3 I’ve had my heart broken before, but I didn’t build it back up the way I have this time. I built it back up with walls of anger and resentment because it was the easier way. I have been angry, especially with God, but I couldn’t let the death of my two babies lead me to a dark place because that’s not how I want to remember them. I want to remember them for the angels that God used to bring me to where I needed to be. My sorrow has brought me joy because it has changed my heart. I finally know the Christian and the person I want to be and was meant to be. I do not wish other people to have to go through the same journey, but I do pray that when your heart is broken that you put your trust in God and that He will build your heart back up in a way that brings you closer to Him and makes you stronger. Many would say this was a year of loss for me, but I like to think of it as my year of Faith, Hope, and Love. “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” ~1 Corinthians 13:13 Dear Heart Design's pieces are meant to provide opportunities to share your story or testimony with others. Each story shared in Unveiling Grace receives a piece to allow them to further share their story with others every single day. Have a story to share?
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