At 16 years old, you have a carefree, simple life and a life full of possibilities. I was so happy; I loved always hanging out with my friends, playing basketball, running track, and I’ll admit, like most girls at that age, I was a little boy crazy. I loved food, any kind of food and especially bread. Now food consists of anxiety, counting calories, fat, etc; the joy of that feeling is never fully there anymore. Even now, as I sit here and begin to write this, I still cannot believe this has been my journey, and I have so much anxiety because then everyone will know. This is the first time for me to publicly say that I have an eating disorder. At 16 I fell hard for a boy. He was my first love, and I gave him everything. I was constantly looking for attention, approval, and love in the wrong places. When it ended, I was left with my heart broken, lost and feeling completely alone. I was always looking for someone or something to fulfill me, instead of looking and longing for any kind of relationship with God. I would always go to Wednesday night church with a group of friends and I always knew what I needed to do but I reached a point where I thought that God couldn’t possibly forgive me for what I had done. I thought no one would love me again because of my choices. I had all the love I ever needed right there but couldn’t see it. I was so down on myself. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I began to become depressed, and during that time I felt that I lost control over everything in my life so I felt the only thing I could control was my weight. My mom would make dinner, and I would play with my food long enough that no one would notice I didn’t eat it. I weighed myself every chance I got and I was always looking into the mirror pulling at “my fat.” In no time, I went from a size 4 to a zero, from 125lbs to 109. My parents tried sending me to a therapist, but I wasn’t ready, “I was in control.” Having anorexia and “controlling” my life in that way meant I did not have to deal with the hurt I was also hiding in my life. I felt like people began to notice me more, they would complement me and tell me how good I look, so I was going to keep doing what I was doing. Over time my heart was slowly healing, but it wasn’t whole. There are times I knew I needed to stop not eating, but I couldn’t do it. I had done it for so long that I loved my image and it became my new normal. If I would have been more concerned developing and patching my relationship with God, it would have helped me sooner. Months later, I met a boy who would end up being my husband. He was a pure gentleman and pursued me with a gentle heart. He was very strong in his catholic faith and his love of God, and it was exactly the person I needed in my life. It wasn’t until the day he told me he loved me that I realized I couldn’t truly love someone if I didn’t love myself. He brought me closer to God and showed me that putting God first was important. He patiently waited for me until I was ready to give him my whole heart, flaws and all. My husband knew about my eating disorder and was very supportive and loving, but it still wasn’t strong enough to keep it at bay. Five years later while in college, I had to take an Addiction Disorder and Recovery Studies class, little did I know what a blessing it would be. I thought it would reassure me that I was cured, I didn’t still have a problem …boy was I wrong! I came home after lecture one day bewildered, confused, upset, you name it! It was that day I realized I will live with anorexia, I will NEVER not have an eating disorder. This was really hard for me to accept. I cried and cried and prayed for God to give me strength to be the best version of myself. I prayed God would help me to be happy where I am in my life and, when my anxiety or worries come, to give me strength to fight them. When I would pray I would immediately feel this calming presence come over me. It was such a relief feeling Him there telling me I will never be alone. A year later, I had our first daughter. It was a hard adjustment with me trying to finish college and my husband in medical school. The stress and loss of control crept in and I relapsed. I began skipping meals, weighing myself at least 10 times a day, and over exercising. Not to mention the amount of pressure that is put on women to lose the baby weight. I finally admitted I needed to get to a counselor, and it saved me. One of my professors, who was also a counselor, suffered with an eating disorder. I learned a lot from her, and she held me accountable on a lot of my issues. One of the most empowering things I have ever done is throw away the scale I kept in our house; it doesn’t sound like much but it took me months to be able to do that because I would no longer know what my weight was every day, and I will tell you it was the most freeing thing I have ever done. Another fellow Christian woman that I met that has an eating disorder was there for me for this and helped give the strength to do this. I still to this day cannot go down the aisles that have scales because it gives me anxiety. Fast forward 12 years later from the start and I can still tell you that my eating disorder is there, but I have been healthy for 5 ½ years. I fully believe I am a mom to girls to make me stronger, to make me want to be better for them and for our family. There have been challenges and times where I have the urges, but in those moments, I pray and just talk to God. In one of the devotions I am reading Draw the Circle, there is a quote; “The primary purpose of prayer is not to change circumstances; the primary purpose is to change us!” This is so powerful for me! I want Him to give me the strength I need to be a positive example for our three daughters. Knowing I lead them by example pushes me to be more aware of myself and my tendencies to relapse. I am so grateful for God’s forgiveness, mercy, and his grace. I do not feel empty anymore, and my life is so full of so many wonderful things that I work hard to remember the positives. I have found having my girls exercise with me and help me shop at the grocery store helps me to enjoy food and life in a healthy way. I still have days when I want to make the wrong choices, or the times I may see a girl walk by with what I think is the perfect image; I immediately start dissecting my body and what is “disgusting,” and then after my freak out I pray to take those thoughts away. So instead of wasting time thinking those thoughts, I fill that space with the positives in my life. I cannot explain the calm that overcomes me. Talking to God is the most calming thing I do and I know He is listening to me. I am always trying to find a book or devotional to give me new insight to help me better myself in all aspects of life. If this can help even one person, that is a blessing…if more that is amazing. I have had so many mentors, my amazing counselor, my husband and my parents help me through this so do not feel like you have to go through this alone. There is always someone out there who can help you, even if it’s just to listen, cry with you, love you or pray with you, you are never alone. I hope that my experience can be a learning one or comfort to someone who is in need. Always remember, “I am the captain of my fate, I am the master of my soul.” You control your destiny and can change your story’s ending at any point. It takes strength and God’s grace and mercy; with that, anything is possible. Quote by William Henley
8 Comments
Britney Fields(Montgomery)
10/16/2016 06:57:22 pm
What an inspiration to others you are. God has made you strong and through you he will change the lives of others. What a blessing that your girls have such a Godly women to learn from and grow with!
Reply
Toni Boyd
10/16/2016 07:07:33 pm
Absolutely a beautiful story! You're beautiful inside and out and an awesome mother to 3 beautiful girls! Thanks for sharing!
Reply
Amy Studer
10/16/2016 07:28:31 pm
This is wonderful Les! What a great testimony! Your girls are so blessed to have a mom like you. Love you and I'm so very proud of you!
Reply
Courtney Cribbs
10/16/2016 07:37:11 pm
I am SO blessed to call you a best friend. Love you so much and as gorgeous as you are on the outside you are just as beautiful within! Those baby girls are so very lucky to have you as a mommy. ❤️
Reply
I'm sure your story will speak to many & set them on the path to recovery. I've always thought you were beautiful-natural beauty. It's obvious the love you & Adam have for each other just in the little times I see you in church. And those precious girls.... it's wonderful you are setting such a good example for them & turning to God to help you.
Reply
Kelsie schiessler
10/16/2016 08:20:53 pm
Leslie, so proud of you! What a difficult thing to open up about! I hate the pressure society puts on women and how we dissect every piece of ourselves constantly! I'm so glad you found Adam and in turn found a better relationship with God! Thank you for sharing your story❤️❤️❤️
Reply
Shelley
10/17/2016 12:50:14 am
Thank you for sharing your story. It will help others find their own way to healing and wholeness. You are beautiful!
Reply
Ashley Mathis
2/21/2018 01:52:06 pm
Leslie! What an incredible journey and what an inspiration you are! The girls are so blessed to have you as a mom and I'm blessed to know you. You should be proud of yourself for how far you have come and, what a great testament to faith and God. You are one of the most beautiful women I know!
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
October 2016
Categories |