I never really knew a life apart from God. I grew up in a loving home with my parents and two sisters. I was born in California, moved to Colorado just before 6th grade, then to Texas in 9th grade. We attended Presbyterian churches on Sundays, but I never really connected with God. I believed the stories, but didn't feel His presence, or hear His voice. I didn't know what a relationship with the Lord looked like. I went to Young Life early on in high school and chose to follow Jesus. I wanted what they talked about! I thought that I was being a "good Christian" because I wasn't drinking on the weekends, or having sex with my boyfriend. I thought that was good! When I was a sophomore in high school, I met a guy through an acquaintance. She told both of us separately that we would be perfect for each other! One day, she pointed him out to me in the hall, but Kingwood High School was huge and I wasn't super outgoing. Fast forward to senior year and I formally meet him through mutual friends. We hang with the same group and both worked at my friend's mom's toy store. We just enjoyed spending time together...as friends. We took a defensive driving class together and I remember at one point, I sneezed. I don't know...I guess it was a funny sneeze...The comedian teacher looked at him and asked, “Does she ALWAYS sneeze like that?!" and he just shrugged and laughed. I remember thinking "I want him to know how I sneeze." He moved to Colorado and we lost touch for about 10 months. I remember being excited to hear he was coming back into town, I had missed my friend. He came to my house the night he got into town and we went on our first date the next night. We both knew pretty early on that we were "done"...we wanted to get married, but we fell into sexual sin. Shame and guilt were fierce, but we kept down that road. Like Adam & Eve, we hid from God, instead of turning and repenting. We bought into the lie that since we both knew we were going to get married eventually, it would be ok. Without realizing it, I had put my guy in my God spot. God created a place in our hearts that is for Him only, and instead, I was consumed with my new relationship. When we put someone in that God spot, we are setting ourselves for failure. My guy joined the Coast Guard and got stationed in San Francisco. Before he had joined the Coast Guard, I had already planned on going to the University of Texas in the fall...so that's what I did. But our relationship was the most important thing in my life...my grades were mediocre, and I really lived to talk to him/plan when we'd see each other next. We married in July of 2000, I was 19 and he was 21. After the wedding, we drove a UHaul packed to the gills to California to start our life together. I had two years left of college, but figured I'd finish wherever we transferred next, he only had a few months left in San Francisco. We got what we had hoped....we were moving to Hawaii! Just after we moved, I found out I was pregnant! We joke that we can't drink from the same cup, because I'll get pregnant. In six and a half years, I had five boys (three in Hawaii). After a healthy first baby boy, we were surprised to learn our second son had a rare chromosome abnormality called Trisomy 13. The doctors gave him a 2% chance of being born alive, but we were blessed with three days with him. We just celebrated his birthday last week, he would be 13! We considered those three days our miracle, and thanked God for that. But, there was still grief. We attended church, I went to a bible study, but still, I felt lost. My arms were empty, and so felt my heart. We pushed the pain down, and pulled ourselves up and kept going. I feel like I didn't allow myself to go through the grieving process properly. After Hawaii, we moved to Galveston, then Rhode Island, then California, Florida, Virginia...my role as military wife and mom of four boys was consuming. My identity had been rooted in being a Coast Guard wife and mom. But, the truth is my identity is in God. He showed me who I really am! My family can be taken away, but my God will not leave me. "And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you, do not fear, nor be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8 Five years ago I learned of my husband's betrayal to me and our covenant. Remember, my joy was found in him....it was devastating. I had another choice. I believed God loved me, but I was angry. I was careful with whom I shared what I was going through at the time, and I remember someone said "this too shall pass" I felt like that was so harsh. I wanted to be coddled, I was the victim. I stayed there for some time. But, I want to be powerful. I don't want my life to be a reaction to what happens around me. Things happen to us that we cannot control, but we have the choice in how we will respond. I want my response to reflect my beliefs, so that means respond in truth, grace, love. When you can't trust anyone else, trust God. Trust that he will put people in your path that will walk beside you. Pray and ask Him for that! We were blessed to be able to go to a weekend intensive. Basically, it was a counseling session over a whole weekend... just my husband, the husband & wife counseling team & me. There, we were prayed for, poured into, and seeds were sewn for restoration. I say "seeds" intentionally, we were not restored in one weekend; it is a process! A process that we really wanted to speed up, but we have to crawl before we walk, or run. "Trust the process," I can't tell you how many times we were told that...but you know what? It's true. We had to walk through and address the pain, even old pain and grief, in order to get move toward our goal. I had to choose if I was going to forgive, and move forward with my husband. Staying in the hurt place where I felt like a victim was leading me to anger & bitterness, and that's not who I wanted to be. Not for myself, or for an example for my boys. We both had work to do. It was messy. It wasn't perfect. I know I tried to pick up & use weapons that weren't in line with who I am...I tried to punish my husband, but I'm not the punisher. I tried to hurt him to show him how much he'd hurt me...but that's not who I wanted to be. With lots of prayer, therapy and wise counsel, we both chose to move towards connection. We were going to a church at the time, but we met with the pastor and his wife and they sympathized with us, but were not equipped to walk beside us. I got a text, on a Tuesday from my husband asking, “Do you want to try a new church tonight? I found it online and they have a Tuesday night service." I agreed. We dropped the boys off in their classes, walked into the sanctuary & sat in the back. We sat, while for the next 2 hours, the worship team prayed & sang, sometimes songs, sometimes spontaneous worship. And, I was lost. I remember the worship leader saying “Do you feel the joy of the Lord? If you don't, come up here...we want to pray for you" and my husband went up. He sat down at the front, sobbing. I stayed in the back, crying with my eyes closed, mad at God for not showing up for me and just mad. I felt a hand on my shoulder & opened my eyes. It was the worship leader. She introduced herself; she said, “My name is Bebette. I saw you walk in & I've been worshipping for you tonight. I know what you've been through, I went through it too, here's my number if you ever want to talk...I'm a pastor here." I don't even know if what I said back was coherent, but she was reassuring, said "I know. Call me," and that was a turning point. We started going to that church, and I started meeting with Bebette, weekly. I learned so much there, and started to really grow in my walk with the Lord. I knew I had chosen to stay in my marriage, but it didn't know what forgiveness looked like. It's easy to say that we forgive someone for an offense, but what does that look like when you really still hurt? I thought forgiveness was letting someone off the hook for what they'd done. When, really, forgiveness does not excuse the offense, it isn't for the offender at all. Forgiveness is for the offended.... For me, it was choosing to let go of blame. I'm not the judge, or jury. We all sin. We all fall short. While I acknowledged that there were areas where I still needed healing, I wasn't going to stay stuck in, and live based on my hurt. I CHOSE to move forward. My goal was connection, and restoration in my relationship with my husband, and in order to step into that, I had to CHOOSE to think the best about him. Regardless of the way I felt. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Cor 13:7 In order for us to start moving in a positive direction, I had to step out of my own pain. To look outside myself and look toward the goal! I'm thankful that Jesus forgives me, and I choose joy. I choose freedom. We are only able to forgive because we were forgiven. Christ forgave all of our sins when He died on the cross. Past, present and future sins are all covered by his blood. They are finished. TRUST in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding Proverbs 3:5 Rose Gold Foiled Print by Lily and Sparrow Design Co. That tells us to not even trust our own understanding! We are commanded to trust Him. I had to learn how to trust God with my situation….Trust God with His timing…Trust God with my husband and that He had him where he wanted him. We are designed to live out of trust. My identity is a child of God, a chosen one! Jesus chooses me. Even when we don't feel chosen by others, Jesus chooses us. If we choose to forgive others, and trust God, He gives us freedom! I tend to want to control things. There is such freedom when we learn to give God control & just let Him work things out....He always does! This is not one choice we make...we are constantly renewing our minds, we'll be tempted to go back to our old ways, or what we feel like...but choose to believe and trust in the Lord! My story is really His story...and while I am thankful for the restoration in my marriage...my guy is reaching toward God, instead of trying to please others & himself. We are where God promised... but…more than the thankfulness in restoration of my marriage, I praise Jesus for the relationship with my God!! I am so thankful that my eyes were opened to my own foolishness. My need for Christ is great, and He is able to meet that need. Dear Heart Design's pieces are meant to provide opportunities to share your story or testimony with others. Each story shared in Unveiling Grace receives a piece to allow them to further share their story with others every single day. Have a story to share? www.dearheartdesigns.com
2 Comments
10/3/2016 06:50:47 am
So powerful and beautiful. Thank you for your honesty and transparency.
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10/19/2016 10:52:49 pm
I am Teresa Robinson, from USA, I promise to share this testimony all over the world once my Husband return back to me, and today with all due respect I want to thank Dr. Twaha for bringing joy and happiness to my marriage and my family. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is real and genuine. I never believed in any of these things until i loosed my husband, I required help until I found a Dr Twaha, And he cast a love spell for me, and he assured me that I will get my husband back in three days after the spell has been cast. Three days later, my phone rang, and so shockingly, it was my husband who has not called or text me for past 6 months, and made an apology for the heart break, and told me that he is ready to be my back bone till the rest of his life with me. Dr Twaha, released him up to know how much i loved and wanted him. And opened his eyes to picture how much we have share together. As I`m writing this testimony right now I`m the most happiest woman on earth and me and my husband are living a happy life and our love is now stronger than how it were even before our break up. So that`s why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe. All thanks goes to Dr. Twaha for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is the email and website address in any situation you are going through, and I assure you that as he has done mine for me, he will definitely help you too. contact him now on email: [email protected] or visite his website www.esangoshrine.webs.com Phone number is +254- 7192-47284
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