You have cancer. Nothing prepares you to hear those words. Those words have always belonged to someone else’s life, but not mine. Countless friends and family members had heard those words, but not me….that is not until April of 2015. You have cancer were the words that would change my life. Finding out you have cancer is like being on a train and it suddenly stops. There’s a deafening silence, a disorientation and then there’s the question…what happened? Why did my train stop? What do I do know? Am I still headed in the same direction? Will my train start up again? My first job out of college was working for the American Cancer Society. I worked there for 8 years and helped many, many cancer patients over those years. During this time I grew accustom to fitting women with wigs because they had lost their hair, fitting women with prosthesis in the cavity where once was a breast was and mourning the loss when one of our clients would pass away. I let myself believe by helping others I was somehow immune from cancer. Flash forward to March of last year and my yearly mammogram. I had them faithfully since the age of 40 and felt this would keep me from getting cancer too. I had begun noticing a thickening or change in my left breast (no lumps) during my breast self-check exams a few months earlier. When I went for my mammogram, I asked the tech to be sure and look carefully in that area. To my amazement she said she needed to take another picture. Then she said yes there’s something there, let me take it to the radiologist. She left me sitting in the room by myself for a long time and that’s when the first thought came to me, “what if it’s cancer?” After what seemed a very long time, she came back in and said the radiologist wants to see you. He showed me the spot and said I needed to see a surgeon but he tried to reassure me it could be possibly just a fibroid or cyst. Even after all this and being referred to a surgeon, I still wouldn’t believe or entertain the thought I could have cancer. When I went to the surgeon, he told me he could do a biopsy and I could have the biopsy surgery the next day. I lost it. I told him I didn’t have time for surgery because I had to plan to take time off work and mentally prepare myself for something like this. I settled for a stereotactic biopsy in his office the next Monday after Easter. I didn’t tell anyone except of course my husband I was having the biopsy. I went by myself because it was really important during this time that no one know, and I thought I was being brave. Honestly, I think I was still in denial and the bad dream would go away. I have always been a very private person so if it was cancer, I knew I would probably have to make it public and for me the attention and worried looks and questions would be very hard to manage. I went to work after the biopsy, sore, my breast bandaged and didn’t tell a soul. They told me it would take a couple of days on the results and I waited and assured myself it was a cyst or something that wouldn’t require any treatment. I bargained, pleaded and cried to God for it to be benign. I was rocking along in my life – trying to keep the pieces of a very busy life together and I didn’t have time for cancer. I was more worried how cancer would interrupt my “normal” life. I knew if I had cancer it would mean treatments and surgeries and possibly even facing my own mortality. I didn’t know how I would keep working and not let it interrupt my life too much. I didn’t want the attention or vulnerability cancer would bring. I received the results three days later, April 9 at work, as I was winding up the day. The nurse called and said, its cancer. I was in shock. There it was…the spector that haunts the lives of so many. I got my purse and left the building like nothing was wrong, waited until I was in my car and called my husband bawling. I was most upset about having to call and tell my parents. My Mom had her own breast cancer battle a few years earlier and we were still trying to come to grips from going through her journey. And in their eyes, I was still their little girl. How was this going to affect them? Your children aren’t supposed to suffer. I had my lumpectomy on May 13 and a week later we celebrated my daughter’s wedding. Yes, during all of this, I was planning a wedding trying to carry on life as normal as possible. It took me awhile to tell my daughter because I didn’t want to put a damper on her special day. I saw the oncologist a week after my daughter’s wedding. Walking into the Texoma Cancer Center as a patient, I remember what a surreal, almost out of body experience, it was for me. I couldn’t believe I was walking in there as a patient, not as a cancer advocate. I knew so many people in there and everyone would stop and ask me why I was there and then get a sad look on their face. I knew that look well. I’d seen it many times before. We met with the oncologist and I wish I could tell you I was stoic but it didn’t happen. I was crying the whole time, especially when he said I needed chemotherapy. One of my fears for as long as I could remember was losing my hair. I probably got this fear from working with cancer patients but when my oncologist told me I would need chemo, I knew exactly what that meant and my worst fear would come true. Exactly 21 days after my first chemo, my hair started falling out. Interestingly enough, I wanted my hair to fall out at this moment because my scalp was so tender and my hair hurt. I had my dear hairdresser Teresa shave it all off and I started wearing a wig. (As a side note, I got so many compliments wearing a wig. In fact, my own daughter told me she liked it better than my own hair.) But God is so good and my hair grew back, darker, thicker and with more body I could have only dreamed about before chemo. Cancer was a gift. How can something that ravages your body and possibly kill you be a gift? In It’s a Wonderful Life, George Bailey gets to see what life would be like without him. I was given the most precious gift in the world. God put people in my path continuously who encouraged me, helping me to keep it together. I got to see how much people loved me during this time. I didn’t have to imagine who would show up at my funeral. I was humbled to the core from the dinners, cards, money, t-shirts made with my name on them and worn by so many people – everything everyone did to show me love. God’s grace was sufficient to carry me through this difficult time and this gave me a new outlook on my experience. Cancer gave me the gift of time. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Today is our gift: to show love to others as God loves us and to walk in forgiveness with others. Cancer gave me the courage to start With These Words, a writing business with my dear friend Ashlei and follow my passion for writing. I know I wouldn’t have made a life altering decision to quit my job and start a new venture if I hadn’t had cancer. I’m not saying those decisions can only be made if you have cancer. Cancer just reminded me of how short life is and what was I waiting for? Cancer tried to take my confidence, my courage and my love of life. I would like to tell you I went through my whole cancer journey with a Pollyannaish attitude and pink positivity. But I didn’t. I cried when exhaustion would set in and I prayed to God every single day for strength, especially on the days I would drive to Decatur for radiation after working all day. Courage dear heart became my motto. I needed something to hold on to. My friend Ashlei made me a sign with those words and had all my friends sign it. I hung it on my wall at work and every day I would look at it and remind myself to have courage. This article is dedicated to anyone fighting cancer or is a cancer survivor facing what seems to be unsurmountable obstacles and to remind you to have Courage, Dear Heart.
10 Comments
Nancy Dillard
10/9/2016 06:23:41 pm
What an inspiring story. Praise God for your recovery and giving him the Glory. Thank you for sharing.
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Michelle B Hicks
10/17/2016 09:37:56 am
Thank you Nancy! I wanted to shine the light on Him because He is the only reason I got through this time. God Bless You!
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10/9/2016 06:28:39 pm
Michelle you are an inspiration! I am so glad that you are in our lives!
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Michelle B Hicks
10/17/2016 09:36:49 am
Sandra - I just now am seeing this and I want you to know you and your family are such incredible blessings to me. You have always been so thoughtful and kind and uplifting. I love you guys!!
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Michelle Crow
10/9/2016 09:51:35 pm
You are an awesome woman. You are such an inspiration to others. Thank You. Blessings to you .
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Michelle B Hicks
10/17/2016 09:35:31 am
Thank you Michelle! You are a blessing to many too!! Love ya lady!
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10/13/2016 05:06:03 am
Read your and the whole read it was crying cause cancer is my family that my mom from cancer i have 16 years ago irs hurt mych cause i miss her so much .i read your story and share wirh other I'm volunteer at school i know that are teacher that been thur cancer so what ask to give a strength that i need everyday and help other thank you for share your story and God Bless You
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Michelle B Hicks
10/17/2016 09:34:54 am
Felice - I just saw your comments and thank you for sharing. I hope it will inspire and bless someone else. So sorry for your loss and I know you will always miss your Mom.
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sandy
12/9/2016 05:30:43 am
Thank you for putting your story on paper...May our gracious Lord use the words given you to draw others to Himself and make much of Him...
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Stacey Jones
10/11/2018 09:11:40 pm
Michelle,
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