For as long as I can remember, I have had anxiety. I remember being 5 or 6 years old and having nightmares that I was told to do something and I knew there was no way I could get it done, so I would wake up panicking, unable to breathe. Growing up in a single parent household with two other siblings, I had the constant worry of wondering if we had enough money, enough food, school items, etc even though my mom worked two or three jobs to provide for us. Left behind by a drug abusing, alcoholic father, with broken promises of visits, calls, and money to my mother to help support us, I felt abandoned by the man in my life that I loved the most. My mom married three additional times in the years to come leaving me to not value the institution of marriage. Although we attended church, I didn’t internalize the true value of the foundation my mother was attempting to lay because of the persistent internal struggle I was facing with my fear and worry of the future and uncertainty of what it held. I found myself continually seeking security and refuge in things that were of no lasting value to me and my Christian walk. Dating older boys, drinking, skipping class, experimenting with drugs to self medicate would only mask my anxiety temporarily, but the struggle was still there at the end of the day. I was dating a guy I had met in another town and I frequently snuck out of the house to be with him as often as I could. By the time I graduated from high school, I had aborted two babies, was drinking alcohol heavily, and had used almost every drug available Originally having big plans to attend a major university and play basketball, I had quit sports my senior year, and barely squeezed into being accepted at our local community college. Joe had moved to my town to take classes at the college too, and so I allowed our relationship to consume my every thought. Did he love me? Were we going to be together forever? Was he seeing other women? I worried nonstop and was so insecure in every thing I did. I began using drugs almost daily to disguise my fears and escape my problems. Six months after graduation, I had just completed my first semester of college with a 1.77 GPA and was placed on financial aid probation. I lived in constant worry and fear. I felt so helpless, as though my life was spiraling out of control and I was no longer in control. Truth is, I was never in control despite my constant attempt to be. It was then when I discovered I was pregnant again. Something was different this time from the previous two pregnancies. I wasn’t in high school anymore and so the fear of what everyone would think of me, was no longer there, but I was in such a bad place how could I possibly take care of someone else when I couldn’t even care for myself? God convicted my heart and despite my fears, I decided to keep the baby. I would later grow to see that Brayden saved my life. October 7, 2004 my world was changed forever. I knew immediately that the life that I previously lived was over. God had given me a second chance. I sought help for my anxiety disorder and focused my energy on continuing college and being the best mother that I could be to provide for my son. I wanted to make sure that I succeeded in securing an education so that I would never have to depend on a man, the way my mother did. Two years later, I found out I was pregnant again, and Joe and I welcomed our second son to the world. Austin and Brayden kept us extremely busy while working full time and continuing life as a full time student. I began struggling with the inner conflict that Joe and I were not married and that our family was not complete. I didn’t value marriage but knew that God was telling me that it was time. Two years after Austin was born, we got married. Fast forward two more years, and I was walking across the stage accepting my Bachelor’s degree with honors. I immediately began my Masters program in Counseling. Because of the internal struggles I endured, I wanted to become a counselor to help people like me that needed someone to stand in the gap for them. Even though I was accomplishing everything I set out to do and everything was so going great, my anxiety was at an all time high. I was taking four anxiety pills a day to get by. Something was still not right. While completing my counseling program, I discovered that although I thought I was physically, emotionally, and psychologically healthy(even though I wasn’t), one major thing was missing…Jesus. I tried so hard to be in control and have a grasp on every aspect in my life and I wasn’t allowing Jesus to takeover. After years and years of constant worry and fear, I finally surrendered my life to him and everything changed. I finished my Master’s degree and landed my dream job as the School Counselor at our town’s middle school. The more I grew in my faith, the less anxiety I had. The more I clung to Jesus’s promise for my life, the less I worried. 1 Peter 5:6-7 became my life verse that I rejoiced in, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” I realized when I put my faith and trust in Him, there was no need for me to be in control or to worry, because He was in control. He holds my future and yours too, therefore, there is nothing to fear. I committed to trust in Him for everything in my life. My relationship with my mom and dad now is beautiful. For so long I had allowed the negative aspects of my life to overshadow all the good. My mother taught me to be a hard worker, to love hard, and to stand up for what you believe in. My father is an amazing grandfather to our boys and loves us deeply. My whole life has changed. Relationships with family and friends, my faith, my priorities...all because of God’s direction for my life. It is no longer about me; I gave up control and now it is all about Him. After four years in my dream job, I was called upon to become the Director of our Boys & Girls Club. Having thought that I would retire from my job as a School Counselor, I said no. After my husband along with 25 others were laid off from a local production plant, I was approached again to go to the club. This time, I decided to pray about it and seek God’s will for my future. The following week, I agreed to help just for the summer. After my first week there, God revealed to me that my purpose existed at the club. I could be a beacon of light to kids living in darkness. I could provide support and hope for those experiencing what I had. I could be a part of helping to create kids that were caring, productive and responsible and God-fearing. I also would have more time to devote to my family. Joe and I will be celebrating ten years of marriage soon, and we bought our dream home complete with a farm this past year! Our boys are in the gifted and talented programs at their schools and are both so special. My husband and boys have also committed their lives to Jesus. God has proved to us over and over again that He is so faithful if we just Trust in Him. “Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord; whose confidence is in Him.” Jeremiah 17:7 Dear Heart Design's pieces are meant to provide opportunities to share your story or testimony with others. Each story shared in Unveiling Grace receives a piece to allow them to further share their story with others every single day. Have a story to share?
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