It is a long, humbling journey of forgiveness when the one you loved wounded your soul... “We need to talk…” “I am having an affair…” Those words crushed deep into my heart, as I struggled to pick up what was left of my now broken family. Strangely enough, the only thing speaking through my mind in those moments were these words…”You must forgive him, as I have forgiven you.” The other half of my brain was saying “What, Lord? Why are you asking me to do this? He had just committed the ultimate betrayal in our marriage and I have to forgive him, right now at this moment!? This is completely absurd!” My heart was tormented, as I desperately wanted to scream and lose every ounce of dignity I had left. The silence weighed heavily in the room where two souls were once one. We suddenly couldn’t recognize the other person anymore. I uttered the words: “I forgive you...I love you…” I never imagined I would ever have to experience this kind of pain as an idealistic, nineteen year old standing in a white dress in front of the man I loved and thought I would love forever. Days went by as my husband and I struggled to live in one accord and reconcile what was now a broken marriage. I would wake up and throughout the day beg God to restore my marriage, to work in me and mold me into the ideal image of a godly, supportive, loving wife and mother. I thought of every possible thing I could do to draw my husband back to myself. I began to lose myself altogether in the pursuit. A month passed and every movement we made became robotic and cold, as he drifted further and further away and the damage grew larger as the infidelity unfolded further. I mustered up every ounce of strength I could to be there for my 18 month old son. I slowly began to lose hope. “I do not love you anymore…” Those words, told to me over and over, ripped through my heart like shrapnel. The love of my life, my best friend, my husband did not love me anymore. I died inside. I thought “Lord, why did this happen? Where is there ANY good in this? This cannot be a part of your plan for my life.” What Satan intends for evil, God uses for good. Divorcee. Single mother. Rejected. For the longest time, those words crashed over me with an upsurge of negativity. I would look in the mirror and feel absolutely ashamed. I felt like a complete failure. I couldn’t save my marriage. I couldn’t provide the picturesque, two-parent, loving Christian home to my little boy. My reality now was a broken home. I often think about the story of Job, and how through everything he endured, all the pain and loss, he is remembered in this way: “Through all of this, Job did not sin nor did he blame God.” Job 1:22. I blamed God a lot throughout the process of my divorce, but God was gentle and patient with me while I sought to reconcile my life to where He wanted me to be. Through the last few years, I have learned a lot about our Heavenly Father by depending on Him. He shows himself through my precious son every time I am with him. Watching my son grow has opened my eyes to the blemishes and perils of this world while simultaneously showing me the beauty of life, selflessness, motherhood, and most importantly, that there is hope and redemption in no other but Jesus. Ethan is my evidence that even when painful circumstances feel overwhelmingly dark, God is sovereign over everything, and He is GOOD. Although I have not seen the fullness of God’s plan for this journey in my life, I have embraced the true meaning of forgiveness. I have forgiven him and I trust that God is writing my story and will continue to redeem my life. My God restores, He makes all things new. He brings beauty from ashes. Dear Heart Design's pieces are meant to provide opportunities to share your story or testimony with others. Each story shared in Unveiling Grace receives a piece to allow them to further share their story with others every single day. Have a story to share? www.dearheartdesigns.com Photography by Nichole Kirk Photography
5 Comments
Cathy Lites
9/4/2016 06:19:54 pm
I know Viviana personally and she is a precious soul and an anchor in the lives of those around her!
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Viviana
9/5/2016 02:47:00 pm
Cathy, thank you so much for your sweet words. Love you!!!
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Brenda reece
9/4/2016 08:06:48 pm
Thank you for sharing your story. It is much like mine although we didn't divorce. Keep your eyes on Him and continue to raise your baby in His ways, let Him be his father so to speak. God bless your sweet family.
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Viviana
9/5/2016 02:47:30 pm
Thank you so much, Brenda!!
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Rachel
9/6/2016 05:34:01 am
Viviana, thank you for sharing your story. As of this week our single moms ministry "Inspire" takes launch. I think your story will be an encouragement to them all. We have over 20 ladies and more coming that have felt the very pain you did. Prayers going your way as you continue to be the light in a dark world.
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