"Amber, I am sorry to tell you this, but your Papa Willie has passed away." I will never forget that heartbreaking phone call that I had received over a year ago. I knew that this would come and I tried to be prepared, but I wasn't prepared for what had happened next... When my Papa passed away, I began to feel my depression taken over me. I ended up failing a couple of classes that fall semester. I had given up and dropped out of college in the Spring. I couldn't handle the fact that my papa was gone. I ended up taking my pain out on God. I would cry every night asking him, "Why did you take him away? Why God? Why? Just give me an answer." I ended becoming so angry at Him. I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. I just couldn't understand why he would do this to me... When I felt like God had given up on me, Satan made his way in. Let me tell you, when Satan comes around, he knows how to knock you down and makes sure you don't get back up. My depression ended up taking a downward spiral. I ended up doing things to myself that I am not proud of. I ended up self harming, once again. I ended up contemplating if I should try another suicide attempt. I had given up at this point. And that truly broke my heart because I had promised myself that I would never think about suicide after my first failed attempt. I should have been happy at this point of my life. I had a loving family and supportive friends. I had gotten married to an amazing man who loved me dearly. My husband and I had bought our first house. Things were going well for us, but I still was not happy. I wanted to be with my Papa. I thought God was selfish when he decided to take my Papa away from me. I couldn't bear the pain and depression anymore, so I told my family that I needed help, desperately. I realized that I couldn't bear all of this pain anymore. I decided to go to a therapist. While talking to my therapist, I began to realize that God wasn't the selfish one, it was me. God was taking my Papa's pain away and letting him be at ease. I wanted him back here with me for my own selfish reasons. But for some reason, I was still weary about my relationship with God. Even though, I had realized that my Papa was in a better place, things started to take a turn for worse for myself. While trying to get some treatment for my depression, I learned that my Thyroid had quit working. My doctor had put me on Levothyroxin (synthroid), which I later on found out would not help me. I thought this new medicine would help me feel better, but I was wrong. About a month later, I was brushing my hair one night when I clump of hair fell into my sink. When I looked up, I began to cry because at that moment, I realized my hair had fallen out. Every day, more and more clumps of hair would fall out. I hated looking at myself in the mirror. With the support of my loving husband, we decided that it was time to have my hair shaved off. At that moment, I began to realize that I will not be able to do this alone, I needed God by side. A very sweet friend of mine send me the link to Ryan Steveson's song "In the eye of the storm." That song had really hit my heart because I decided that God was in control. In November, I ended up getting very sick and was in a great deal of pain. I had spent 3 different nights in and out of the ER, coming home with no answers. I had the worst abdominal pain I could ever imagine and the doctors could not any answers. I began to learn that I had friends and family praying for me because at 2:30 am one day, I was screaming because of the pain and was rushed back to the ER. The ER doctor suggested that it would be a good idea for us to meet with a GI doctor and I am very thankful that he did. We had found out that I had 2 ulcers in my stomach and also Gastritis, but that was not all. My Thyroid levels were very dangerous at that point. My Thyroid levels were over 98 and the average levels are somewhere between 0.5-5.0!! I was diagnosed with Myxedema Crisis and was admitted to the hospital. I had found out that at any moment my body could either have a heart attack or go into a coma. I was very scared, and decided that it was time for me to place everything in God's hands. I kept thinking of the Ryan Stevenson's song, and knew that during this storm in my life God was in control. Ever since that night, things have began to look up for me. I was able to see an Endocrinologist and had received some answers about my Thyroid that we had been praying about. I found out that my B12 levels were very low, and that's I was so exhausted. I had found out that my medication that I had been previously prescribed to take was not helping my Thyroid at all. The Endocrinologist prescribed me Thyroid hormones and also B12 complex. Today, I have become more active at home and also at work. I have lost about 20 pounds since I first found out about my Thyroid. I have more energy, and my depression has greatly decreased. I am loving who I am becoming, and all this would not be possible without God. Through this journey, I realized that even though I may have given up on Him, God never gave up on me. I just have to keep reminding myself that "in the eye of the storm, God is in control. God is the anchor even when my sails are torn." "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 "But those who trust in the Lord for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles;they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak." Isaiah 40:31 Dear Heart Design's pieces are meant to provide opportunities to share your story or testimony with others. Each story shared in Unveiling Grace receives a piece to allow them to further share their story with others every single day. Have a story to share? www.dearheartdesigns.com
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For as long as I can remember, I have had anxiety. I remember being 5 or 6 years old and having nightmares that I was told to do something and I knew there was no way I could get it done, so I would wake up panicking, unable to breathe. Growing up in a single parent household with two other siblings, I had the constant worry of wondering if we had enough money, enough food, school items, etc even though my mom worked two or three jobs to provide for us. Left behind by a drug abusing, alcoholic father, with broken promises of visits, calls, and money to my mother to help support us, I felt abandoned by the man in my life that I loved the most. My mom married three additional times in the years to come leaving me to not value the institution of marriage. Although we attended church, I didn’t internalize the true value of the foundation my mother was attempting to lay because of the persistent internal struggle I was facing with my fear and worry of the future and uncertainty of what it held. I found myself continually seeking security and refuge in things that were of no lasting value to me and my Christian walk. Dating older boys, drinking, skipping class, experimenting with drugs to self medicate would only mask my anxiety temporarily, but the struggle was still there at the end of the day. I was dating a guy I had met in another town and I frequently snuck out of the house to be with him as often as I could. By the time I graduated from high school, I had aborted two babies, was drinking alcohol heavily, and had used almost every drug available Originally having big plans to attend a major university and play basketball, I had quit sports my senior year, and barely squeezed into being accepted at our local community college. Joe had moved to my town to take classes at the college too, and so I allowed our relationship to consume my every thought. Did he love me? Were we going to be together forever? Was he seeing other women? I worried nonstop and was so insecure in every thing I did. I began using drugs almost daily to disguise my fears and escape my problems. Six months after graduation, I had just completed my first semester of college with a 1.77 GPA and was placed on financial aid probation. I lived in constant worry and fear. I felt so helpless, as though my life was spiraling out of control and I was no longer in control. Truth is, I was never in control despite my constant attempt to be. It was then when I discovered I was pregnant again. Something was different this time from the previous two pregnancies. I wasn’t in high school anymore and so the fear of what everyone would think of me, was no longer there, but I was in such a bad place how could I possibly take care of someone else when I couldn’t even care for myself? God convicted my heart and despite my fears, I decided to keep the baby. I would later grow to see that Brayden saved my life. October 7, 2004 my world was changed forever. I knew immediately that the life that I previously lived was over. God had given me a second chance. I sought help for my anxiety disorder and focused my energy on continuing college and being the best mother that I could be to provide for my son. I wanted to make sure that I succeeded in securing an education so that I would never have to depend on a man, the way my mother did. Two years later, I found out I was pregnant again, and Joe and I welcomed our second son to the world. Austin and Brayden kept us extremely busy while working full time and continuing life as a full time student. I began struggling with the inner conflict that Joe and I were not married and that our family was not complete. I didn’t value marriage but knew that God was telling me that it was time. Two years after Austin was born, we got married. Fast forward two more years, and I was walking across the stage accepting my Bachelor’s degree with honors. I immediately began my Masters program in Counseling. Because of the internal struggles I endured, I wanted to become a counselor to help people like me that needed someone to stand in the gap for them. Even though I was accomplishing everything I set out to do and everything was so going great, my anxiety was at an all time high. I was taking four anxiety pills a day to get by. Something was still not right. While completing my counseling program, I discovered that although I thought I was physically, emotionally, and psychologically healthy(even though I wasn’t), one major thing was missing…Jesus. I tried so hard to be in control and have a grasp on every aspect in my life and I wasn’t allowing Jesus to takeover. After years and years of constant worry and fear, I finally surrendered my life to him and everything changed. I finished my Master’s degree and landed my dream job as the School Counselor at our town’s middle school. The more I grew in my faith, the less anxiety I had. The more I clung to Jesus’s promise for my life, the less I worried. 1 Peter 5:6-7 became my life verse that I rejoiced in, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” I realized when I put my faith and trust in Him, there was no need for me to be in control or to worry, because He was in control. He holds my future and yours too, therefore, there is nothing to fear. I committed to trust in Him for everything in my life. My relationship with my mom and dad now is beautiful. For so long I had allowed the negative aspects of my life to overshadow all the good. My mother taught me to be a hard worker, to love hard, and to stand up for what you believe in. My father is an amazing grandfather to our boys and loves us deeply. My whole life has changed. Relationships with family and friends, my faith, my priorities...all because of God’s direction for my life. It is no longer about me; I gave up control and now it is all about Him. After four years in my dream job, I was called upon to become the Director of our Boys & Girls Club. Having thought that I would retire from my job as a School Counselor, I said no. After my husband along with 25 others were laid off from a local production plant, I was approached again to go to the club. This time, I decided to pray about it and seek God’s will for my future. The following week, I agreed to help just for the summer. After my first week there, God revealed to me that my purpose existed at the club. I could be a beacon of light to kids living in darkness. I could provide support and hope for those experiencing what I had. I could be a part of helping to create kids that were caring, productive and responsible and God-fearing. I also would have more time to devote to my family. Joe and I will be celebrating ten years of marriage soon, and we bought our dream home complete with a farm this past year! Our boys are in the gifted and talented programs at their schools and are both so special. My husband and boys have also committed their lives to Jesus. God has proved to us over and over again that He is so faithful if we just Trust in Him. “Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord; whose confidence is in Him.” Jeremiah 17:7 Dear Heart Design's pieces are meant to provide opportunities to share your story or testimony with others. Each story shared in Unveiling Grace receives a piece to allow them to further share their story with others every single day. Have a story to share?
www.dearheartdesigns.com Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered who in the world was looking back at you? Or sat back and pondered on your life so far and thought to yourself “I was put here for something greater.” Who do you need to answer to? August 29, 1997 The day my story began in a Wichita Falls hospital. Just 20 miles from the town I would eventually call home. From the first day of my memory up until I was about 5 years old I would say that I was your average healthy and active kid. I loved to play outside and I really loved to make people laugh. At the age of about 3 ½ I experienced my first big life change. My parents sat my siblings and me down and told us that they would be going through the big D! Yeah, Divorce. Of course, at 3 years old you don’t begin to have a clue what that means. You just feed off of everyone else’s emotion on what is going on in your life. At first, it wasn’t too bad. I thought it was kind of cool to have 2 houses I could go to. It was kind of like having a slumber party everyday of your life. But eventually it started to be very hard for me to ever settle in because I was always going from place to place. Don’t get me wrong, I liked spending time with my parents, but as I got older I started noticing a lot of changes that had never occurred to me before. Like it seemed to me that my parents temper towards each other got worse as time went on. With the constant change going on in my life I felt the only way I could express myself was through anger. My behavioral issues started around the age of 6. It was just like one day everything changed. I would fly off the handle and start hitting and kicking things and I could never turn my brain off. I would be up for days at a time and then crash and sleep for a whole day! My parents didn’t agree on putting me on medication at a young age but it seemed like every day my mom was having to call my dad for him to get me under control. When I was 7 years old I was put on medication for ADHD. And that’s when my weight issues started. By the time I was in Jr. High I learned to control my temper for the most part and was allowed to stop taking my ADHD medication. Even though I had learned to control my temper by then I had an extremely hard time feeling like I fit in because of the way I looked. I wasn’t as athletic as everyone else. Jr high is probably one of the most awkward times of your life growing up, but it is also the time of your life when you start noticing boys. And everyone knows, boys don’t like the “big girls” in junior high. So I was determined that I would find a way for everyone to like who I was because I couldn’t find a reason to like who I was. The cool thing about junior high is you get to start doing things with a youth group at church. And what made it even better was that all of my friends went to the same youth group. So in essence I felt like everyone would think I was cool because I was part of the youth group. Before junior high, I went to church, but I never really got it. I just assumed that church was where kids go to sing songs while all the parents sat around and talked about how cute their kid were. In junior high I felt like I got it. So I prayed “The Prayer” but I never really felt any different. So, by the time I got to high school, going to church was not the cool thing to do anymore. Everyone knows that the cool thing you have to look forward to in high school is going to high school parties, getting drunk, and making a fool of yourself in order to make your friends laugh all while trying to avoid getting caught by the cops. Well guess what…. I was that kid who was determined to do whatever, whenever to be in it. And I did a pretty good job keeping up “the image.” But, while I was trying to keep up “the image” I learned how possible it was to be standing in a room of 50 people and feel completely alone. I learned what it was like to not like what I saw on the outside and how to use my humor to cover up what was on the inside. The thing that I found comfort in when I was in high school was the sports I played. Because I thought the more I excelled the more people would like me. I found my identity in what I was good at, not in what really mattered. When I graduated high school my life went into a downward spiral. I failed my college classes. I was settling for a relationship with whatever guy would accept the “big girl.” And a lot of times I would find myself asking “Why am I here?” It wasn’t until someone very important to me told me “the only person you truly have to answer to is the man upstairs and the person staring back at you in the mirror.” That it made me think that maybe the reason my life was going the way it was…. Is because I was “letting” it. I was trying to look to myself for all the answers and never asked God to help me figure it out! February 25, 2016 The day that my “Life” started. At One Life Community Church in Wichita Falls while the song “Holy Spirit” started playing and I asked God to come into my heart and be my firm foundation for the future. That is the day my life started falling into place. I started attending church every time I could, and I started getting involved in all that One Life has to offer. I have met some amazing people and lifelong friends through my One Life family. A few months after I rededicated my life, I was sitting at lunch with a friend from my missional family and she asked if I had ever been to a program called “Discovery”? We ended up talking quite a bit about it over time, and by the time discovery weekend rolled around that month I was part of class “235!” I went once a month over the course of 3 months, and I can’t even begin to tell you how that program changed my life. I know it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, but it all just clicked for me one day out of the blue. I knew that I wanted to be someone that God is proud of, but that day I realized that I needed to be a person that I could look in the mirror and be proud of. That day I stepped on the scale and vowed to never see the number that I saw that day. And I promised myself that everyday I would fight for me. Even when I feel like crap and just want to lay in bed I will get up and fight for me. Because God did not put us here to be mediocre. “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). So, when I feel like I can’t do something, I have to stop and ask myself…. “Why not me?” God loved me enough to give up His ONLY son for me. So why can’t I love me? God put us here with gifts for a reason! Use them! Dear Heart Design's pieces are meant to provide opportunities to share your story or testimony with others. Each story shared in Unveiling Grace receives a piece to allow them to further share their story with others every single day. Have a story to share? www.dearheartdesigns.com God is greater.
A baby girl was born with Beta Strep Meningitis and an Umbilical Hernia. She developed Hydrocephalus. That little baby was me. At 6 months old I had a Ventricular Shunt placed in my brain. The shunt was placed in my brain,behind my right ear with a tubing that is placed under my skin and into my abdomen. This allows it to drain the fluid off my brain. My mom and dad were told that I wouldn't live without the shunt. I had my entire family and my church family praying for me. The surgery was successful. I continued to have seizures until I was 7 yrs old. I remember one time when I had a seizure. We lived in San Antonio, Tx. My mom was so scared and crying, my sister (who was 3yrs old) told my mom to call 911. I was transported by ambulance every time I had a seizure. I would go to the emergency room and get IV fluids, then be released. My dad joined the Army and my family was stationed in Virginia. It was the first time my family didn't live near our family. My parents were trying to find a church home in Virginia, but had not found the right fit. One day I became very lethargic and was vomiting uncontrollably with a serve headache. My speech was slurred and garbled. My parents took me the emergency room on the military post. The doctors told my parents they could not help me there, they had to take me to Walter Reed Medical Hospital in D.C. I had "outgrown" my shunt. The cord had come out of the abdominal wall and was not draining. Emergency surgery was done to replace the shunt. My head was shaved and prepped for surgery. My parents prayed for me to survive the surgery. I was always a good patient never complained. I have a very high pain tolerance. In one year I had 8 shunt replacements. Which meant trips back to Portsmouth every time. My mom would stay at the hospital and my dad would stay with my sister, work and take her to daycare. Normally right after surgery, I would be back to myself. It was an instant relief. Normal speech, talking, laughing and asking for food. The 7th surgery had been done and my mom was sitting with me in the ICU watching the movie Love BUG. My dad had just left to take my sister home. My mom and I were watching the movie and talking, out of nowhere my speech was slurred and I told my mom that my head and legs hurt. I began to cry out in pain and then became unconscious. The nurses came running over and called Code Blue to ICU. The pressure had built up so high that my heart was trying to stop. They ripped off the bandage on my head and started unplugging my bed and all my IV's tp run me down the hall to the operating room. I was in and out of consciousness. My mom was running with the nurses down the hall, saying "I love you baby girl!". Right before we entered the surgery area, I reached out my hand and said, in slurred speech," I love you mommy!". My mom stopped in her tracks. Was that a goodbye "I LOVE YOU"? Would she her baby girl again. When my mom turned around there was a Priest standing behind her to offer help. She realized he had shown up because of the "Code Blue" call. My mom starting screaming at him to "Go Away" because he was not needed, her baby girl will be fine. My mom was very angry with God. My mom called my dad to come back, it was not good. My mom called my family in Texas to let them know. There were many, many people praying for my family and I. Again with God's grace and lots of prayers , I made it through the surgery yet again. My mom, dad and little sister were there when I came out of surgery. I was sitting up asking for a hamburger. My parents had so many emotions anger, love and relief. The doctors told my parents I would be mentally handicapped due to all the surgeries. I would not live a normal teenage life, or get married and have children. This will be a life long struggle. When I was able to attend school my parents took me back. I was in and out of the hospital my entire 2nd grade year. The school wanted to put me in Special Ed classes. My mom fought for me and I was placed in a normal classroom. I had missed school but, I was not handicapped in any way. So I repeated the 2nd grade I a normal classroom. My family was transferred back to San Antonio to the Major Medical Center. Eventually my dad got out of the military and my family moved home to Henrietta. I attended Junior High and High School, played sports, went on dates, like a normal teenager. My Junior year I was playing in a volleyball tournament in New Castle. Between games I was talking to my mom. I told her my head hurt and I was nauseated. I also told her I saw 12 girls on the other side of the court instead of 6. Mom knew right away it was my shunt. Mom rushed me to the emergency room at Bethania Hospital. It was determined that my shunt had calcified and the tubing had broke apart. I had emergency surgery that night. There were 65 friends and family sitting in the OR waiting room to make sure I was ok. I believe with all my heart that I wouldn't have made it through the surgery without God and all prayers. Surgery was successful again. My head was shaved yet again. I went back to school on Monday and took off a week of Volleyball. My neurosurgeon told my parents to let me live my life, and play what I wanted. Reluctantly my parents agreed. I was back on the Volleyball court that very next week , with stitches and bandage on my head. I graduated High School taking normal classes and married a year later. My husband and I moved to Mansfield and soon was pregnant with our first child. At 12 weeks into my pregnancy I got really sick. It was determined that my shunt was not functioning again. I had another emergency shunt replacement. I was worried about my baby. I prayed to God "Please Keep my baby safe and please don't let the baby be harmed. The surgeon said that be needed to save me first and could not worry about if it affected the baby. The surgery was a success and the baby was not harmed. At 20 weeks it was determined due to my growing belly that my shunt could not drain in the position it was in. So another shunt replacement was performed. This time the baby was moved and the shunt was placed under it. Surgery was a successful again. I was able to deliver a health baby boy with no complications. Since then I have had a second son and have had no other surgeries. I have a very busy life being a wife, mother two sons. Yes I will have to be aware of my symptoms for the rest of my life. After many years of "why me" I realized God was with me the whole time. With God all Things are possible. Matthew 19:26. My mom was told that my condition and all the surgeries I have had that is a Miracle that I still alive. God is in Control, We just have to let GO. Through all this I know God is in Control. I'm raising my boys in church and I do not take life for granted at all. Life is too precious. Everything is possible with God. Dear Heart Design's pieces are meant to provide opportunities to share your story or testimony with others. Each story shared in Unveiling Grace receives a piece to allow them to further share their story with others every single day. Have a story to share?
www.dearheartdesigns.com When I was a little girl, I always had a strong relationship with God. I loved being a Christian. I went to church every time the doors were open, went to church camp every year, and read my Bible constantly. In my late teens and early twenties, I felt further and further away from God. Little did I know God was going to do amazing things in my life and lead me down a path that would bring me very close to Him, and He accomplished a lot of it through my beautiful children. Over the last few years, I’ve formed a better relationship with Him, but nothing compares to this past year. I have a wonderful husband, an amazing family, and awesome children that have helped bring me down this road, but sometimes it takes God breaking your heart to bring you truly close to Him. “As for God, His way is perfect; The word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him. For who is God, except the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God? It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect.” ~Psalms 18:30-32 I never wanted children. That’s a complete shock to most people who know me now, and know I love children. I love my children, and a lot of children that aren’t even my own. The truth is my first daughter was a surprise. My husband and I had only been married six months when we got pregnant. I was so scared because I had no idea how to take care of a baby. I must have read every parenting book ever written. Before her birth, I didn’t have the best relationship with God. She came April 18, 2013, and she was beautiful. That night after her birth, I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She was so perfect, and I finally felt my faith in God return. We also decided we wanted a big family, and 21 months later, we had another healthy little, beautiful girl. I had easy pregnancies and easy births, and I wanted more babies. On July 11th of this year, I experienced something no mom ever wants...a miscarriage. I was in so much denial at first I didn’t go to the doctor until the next day despite being in a ton of pain. It was so hard to be at the same doctor’s office where I had previously had two normal pregnancies. I had pregnant women all around me while I was trying to cope with the fact that I was losing mine. I was only about 5 weeks, so it was very early and I felt like I should be thankful for that, but I still couldn’t help but feel like somehow it didn’t make a difference. The truth is it doesn’t. No matter how far along you are, you have still lost a child. I wrote in my journal how I wanted to somehow “move on”, and I feared the only thing that could mend my broken heart was another child. A few weeks later, I started having strong pregnancy symptoms. I took probably twenty tests and they were all positive. Our doctor’s office had told us to wait a month, but here it was our rainbow baby! I spoke to our nurse and she told us everything was fine even though we hadn’t waited, and we opted to set our appointment at what we thought was about 10 weeks pregnant to make sure we could see everything. We nervously waited for 5 weeks to pass, and even canceled our family vacation to see my husband’s family in Arizona. Everything was going so well. I let myself get swept up in selecting names, nursery ideas, baby clothes, etc. This was my rainbow after the storm. On September 3rd, I started having some light bleeding that morning. I wasn’t too concerned because it is fairly normal during pregnancy. I was about 8 weeks. My in-laws had been at our house that week and we had finished redoing our guest bathroom. I thought I had just overdone it. By the afternoon, I was having heavy bleeding and unbearable pain. I decided I need to go to the ER and we rushed around our neighborhood trying to find someone to watch our two daughters. We finally decided to take them with us. When we were in the waiting room, I felt something pass and ran to the bathroom. I don’t want to get into all of the gruesome details, but I found my tiny little baby and held it in my hand. I was devastated and in complete shock. Suddenly, I realized all the blood and got rid of everything. This seemed like a poor decision when I thought about it later, but the more I thought about it the more I realized it was probably the right decision. How do you really prepare yourself for those moments? Right after I came out, some of our neighbors came to pick up the girls, thankfully. After they left, I cried more than I ever have in my entire life. It was truly the worst day of my life. I couldn’t even open my Bible or pray for two days. I mean, how could a loving God take two babies from me right in a row? This was supposed to me MY baby, my LIVING baby. I saw a grief counselor about a week after my second miscarriage. I sought out other women who had gone through similar situations. I felt broken, but I was trying to put the pieces back together. I realized that there was no “moving on”. My grief counselor told me I had to find a place in my heart for the babies that I had lost. As I was driving through the country one day, I looked around at everything God created. I started to feel liberated somehow. I began spending time with my two daughters and my husband and finding joy in my life. We made memory boxes for the two babies, Faith and Hope. I finally started putting the pieces back together. A couple of weeks later, my family called me to tell me my Pawpaw was sick again. I’ve been blessed to be really close to all of my grandparents and they have always been a big part of my life. My Pawpaw had had cancer several years ago, and earlier in the year, he had had a tumor in his intestine that they had been able to successfully remove it. They told us they thought there were probably just some lesions that they could go in and surgically remove. I was driving to Amarillo to see him after his surgery, and my sister called me crying. They had found advanced cancer and all they could do was close him up and keep him comfortable. He didn’t have long. My heart shattered again. At one point my grandma asked me how people get through things like this without God, and I told her I had no idea. My Pawpaw got to go stay at the local hospital in our hometown on hospice. Although he was sick and often tired, he still had his mind and we had so many important and good conversations before he passed away. One of things I wanted him to know was that I was at peace with the losses of my two babies, and that I had found a way to carry them in my heart. We read the Bible together, and talked about things like Heaven. I had just started a blog after the loss of my babies as a way to help me grow closer to Him, share my thoughts, and hopefully help others. I’m so glad I got to share it with him. I’m so glad he got to see I was in a good place with God and in my life despite all of the loss and hardships. He was such a good person and a strong Christian. Even though he’s gone, he still inspires me to be a better person everyday. “Sorrow is better than laughter, For by a sad countenance the heart is made better.” ~Ecclesiastes 7:3 I’ve had my heart broken before, but I didn’t build it back up the way I have this time. I built it back up with walls of anger and resentment because it was the easier way. I have been angry, especially with God, but I couldn’t let the death of my two babies lead me to a dark place because that’s not how I want to remember them. I want to remember them for the angels that God used to bring me to where I needed to be. My sorrow has brought me joy because it has changed my heart. I finally know the Christian and the person I want to be and was meant to be. I do not wish other people to have to go through the same journey, but I do pray that when your heart is broken that you put your trust in God and that He will build your heart back up in a way that brings you closer to Him and makes you stronger. Many would say this was a year of loss for me, but I like to think of it as my year of Faith, Hope, and Love. “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” ~1 Corinthians 13:13 Dear Heart Design's pieces are meant to provide opportunities to share your story or testimony with others. Each story shared in Unveiling Grace receives a piece to allow them to further share their story with others every single day. Have a story to share?
www.dearheartdesigns.com My name is Kim Laseman Tyler. I am the Race Director for the Lyndon Laseman Memorial Fun Run. I am currently organizing the 8th Annual Lyndon Laseman Memorial Fun Run. This is my story. Lyndon and I were married 25 years. We did everything together. We have 2 daughters, Angela and Alisha. We enjoyed participating in different fun runs. Lyndon and Alisha were the serious runners. They would run the half marathons and the 10k’s. Angela and I would do the 5k’s. Lyndon was so excited about turning 50, so he could be in the higher age bracket and win more medals. He had that kind of humor. We were in Fort Worth for the Marathon. Our girls were not with us at this race. Which turned out to be a God thing. Lyndon said he wasn’t quite ready to run the marathon, so he signed up for the 20 mile race. He was in great shape, never sick and feeling good about life in general. It was a beautiful day for a run. It would also be a day I would never forget. He was in the crowd ready for the start. I was standing on a ledge at the side, so I could see his start. He spotted me, the gun went off, he waved this silly wave, yelled “I love you”. I yelled back, “I love you too”, and jokingly said “you better come back to me”. Sounds like that’s made up, but I promise you, it’s true. About 3 hours into the run I saw Lyndon coming over the hill, but he was walking. He was about 100 yards from the finish line and decided to run to the finish. I was snapping pictures and running to meet him. He was bent over and trying to catch his breath. We walked into the resting area and he sat down on a planter. I snapped a picture of him and was putting the camera in the case and he passed out, so I thought. I realized he wasn’t breathing. I checked for a pulse. He had none. I was holding him in my arms and screaming for help. I knew in my heart that he was gone, but wouldn’t admit it to my brain. Lyndon had died in my arms. Lyndon was taken by ambulance to the hospital where he was pronounced dead. The autopsy showed a Ruptured Coronary Artery. That was November 8, 2009. Lyndon would have been 50 on November 30, 2009. My life was altered in a split second. How do you go on? What do I do next? I was in a complete daze for weeks. But I decided the day after the funeral that my situation was not going to get the best of me. I had my girls to help get thru this. I had friends and family telling me to get some counseling. My family doctor gave me medication for my stomach, because I was having trouble eating. No appetite. He also gave me sleeping pills and wanted to give me anti-anxiety medication, but I refused. My state of mind at that time was to get my financial affairs in order. Then I could take care of me. I was mad at God for taking Lyndon from me. I had a friend tell me that was okay because Moses, Job and David were mad at God to at one time. But God will respond. I know life does not always go the way we want it to. I was trying to seek God for answers but was so confused on the Why of it all. I didn’t feel like he was there for me. I knew deep within me that he would help me through. The not knowing when was hurting me. I am a very determined person. I needed something to focus on. That is why I organized the Lyndon Laseman Memorial Fun Run. I wanted to honor Lyndon’s memory by helping others. With the help of family, friends and the Henrietta community we have raised over $65,000.00 for different community organizations. I miss Lyndon every day. But I see him in his grandsons. His love of sports and adventure. His love of family and friends. And his love for his church family. Randy Osborn used this verse for Lyndon’s funeral. We use it every year on our t-t-shirts for the run. I knew Lyndon would want me to keep moving forward with my life. I remarried a couple of years ago. Life is good right now. Dear Heart Design's pieces are meant to provide opportunities to share your story or testimony with others. Each story shared in Unveiling Grace receives a piece to allow them to further share their story with others every single day. Have a story to share?
www.dearheartdesigns.com It all started in February of 2013. I knew something was not right. Something felt way off. I was feeling down, and it crossed my mind that maybe I was depressed. But, how does someone become depressed when they have so much going for them? I had a supportive family, great friends, and would be graduating college in 3 months. However, all these blessings seemed to be outweighed by the difficulties in my life. My relationship with my boyfriend started going downhill, and the depression seemed to only get worse. Satan was up to something, and I didn’t like it. Whatever he was doing inside of me was causing my emotions to be off, and unwelcoming and disturbing thoughts to run through my head. I did not approve and neither did God. He was telling me loud and clear that I needed help, but I didn’t want to admit these feelings to anyone, I was embarrassed by them; yet, I deeply wanted to figure out what was going on with me. I know this sounds odd, but thoughts kept coming into my head that I or someone in my family was sick. I thought, you know what, I haven’t been examined by the doctor in a while, I really need to go and have a good check-up; but I pushed those thoughts aside, and instead started seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist for the depression to see if they could give me some answers and provide me with help. All I did during this time was pray to God to keep me, my family and friends safe and in good health. During this time in my life I felt so insecure and scared. I literally took my Bible with me everywhere I went, and talked to God all the time, for he was my only hope. I was so depressed, but I remember continuously observing God’s creations around me in amazement. I would think to myself, how can one person create such amazing mind-blowing things? I had always believed in God, but at this point in my life he was so very clear to me, and making it evident that even though I did not know what was going on with me, he would be right by my side during this storm. At the beginning of March my mom knew how upset I was about my breakup, and decided to take me to dinner and surprise me with Miranda Lambert concert tickets. See, I told y’all I have a great family, again why in the world would I be depressed?! When I opened the card with the tickets in them all I could do was cry. I was usually not a crier, especially in public. It was strange; they were a mix of happy and sad tears. My mom had to ask, “Brea why can’t you stop crying?” I didn’t know the answer. My boyfriend and I didn’t stay broke up for long, in fact by the middle of March we were back together. We realized how much we missed each other and knew we had to work through our differences; however, I just still couldn’t get over all my sadness, and I once again had no idea why. April came along and I knew I had to get all these mixed feelings and emotions in check. I had finals coming up and would be graduating in one month! Exhaustion set in, as well as a lot of anxiety, and I just could not shake either one of them. How was I going to make it through this last month of college? The anxiety was out of control. One instance sticks out in particular. I was with my mom in Keller visiting my brother, sister-in-law, and niece. I came on this weekend get-away, but I knew I had to get a lot of school work done since finals would start the next week. However, I figured I could squeeze in some time with my niece during some of my study breaks. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love my nieces and nephew and spending time with them. I would normally be on the floor playing with them, but this trip I didn’t. All I wanted to do was sleep. On Sunday morning I woke up, went in the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. I was once again having a lot of anxiety and my heart felt as it was beating out of my chest. I just woke up, how could I have this much anxiety already? I decided to go back and lay down to see if I calmed down any, but as soon as I got to the bed I felt like I was going to pass out. I hollered for my mom, and as soon as she reached the room I passed out…or so I thought. I later found out it was a seizure. My mom hollered for my brother. I was never totally unconscious, my eyes were open but I had a blank stare, and I remember my mom and brother talking to me the whole time. I came to a few minutes later and promised them I was ok! I ate some breakfast, but I was so tired and just wanted to go back to sleep. Passing out was not an unusual occurrence for me, but it usually happened when I was hurt or my blood sugar was low. A couple of hours later I woke up and knew it was time to start studying and writing a paper; however, for the life of me I just couldn’t get organized and focused. I looked at my papers and stared at my computer in confusion. Long story short I made it through all my finals with passing grades and even made the President’s Honor Roll. Something to be very proud of considering what was really going on with me. I graduated May 13, 2013. What a happy day! After the graduation ceremony I remember feeling weak, but I didn’t think much of it since it was such a big day, and rushed around all morning trying to get ready. I just figured I needed to eat. I was also so exhausted. I knew I would need a nap in order to make it through my graduation party later that day. The party turned out wonderful and I went to bed feeling so blessed! But, that all changed when I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst headache I had ever experienced. It pounded uncontrollably. The Lord was so evident during this time. These headaches could have started weeks before and caused me to fall behind in school, But God let me finish this last excruciating semester before the headaches came on full force. Boy, is he great! I woke up that next morning and the headache was magically gone, like I had never even had one. I remember wanting to just lay around the whole next day, with no energy whatsoever. What was wrong with me? Something definitely was not right. The following week I woke up with one of those dreaded headaches every single night, but as usual they would improve when I got up and started moving around. One morning, however, I woke up very nauseous. I would go on walks with my mom at night and remember telling her, “Mom, my head just feels so heavy.” I started googling my symptoms: Anxiety, headaches, weakness, nauseous, confusion, depression, and passing out. And my search came down to the unthinkable…a brain tumor. That night I told my mom that I thought I had a brain tumor. She said, “Brea don’t say that, do you really think that?!” I had a doctor appointment scheduled for the first part of June, but my mom called and told the doctor we needed an appointment right away. I was able to see my doctor on Wednesday, May 15, 2013. After a discussion of all my symptoms she decided I needed a CAT scan. She scheduled me to have one a couple days later on Friday, May 17. After I had the CAT scan that morning, the nurse came out and informed me that my doctor wanted to see me back in her office immediately. I knew that could only mean bad news. I was scared to say the least. I knew this was coming, but I did not want to believe it. I went into her office and she sat me and my mom down. What she told us was unimaginable. At that moment I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Even though I thought I could have a brain tumor, it was such a shock to find out that I really did have one! No one can ever be prepared to receive this news. We all started crying. My mom called my dad and he rushed to the doctor’s office to get us. My doctor wanted me to go to a different office so I could have an MRI for a better picture of the tumor. People were already finding out the news, calling and praying with us and coming to show their support. God was on my side, I just knew it. I was terrified, but also had this overwhelming sense of peace. Everything was falling into place. With some special connections, phone calls and God’s Grace, the head of the Neurosurgery Department at UT Southwestern in Dallas saved a bed for me in ICU immediately. My mom, dad, and I went home to pack our bags and drove to the hospital in Dallas. Getting in the car and driving two hours after being diagnosed was the last thing I wanted to do at this time. It allowed time for thoughts and worries to flow through my mind uncontrollably. May 17, 2013, a week after graduating college I started my two week stay in the hospital. I was so confused! I was not supposed to be diagnosed with a brain tumor. This was supposed to be an exciting time; a new chapter in life looking for my dream job that I had worked so hard for. The neurosurgeon that was to perform my surgery was out of the country at the time; however, the nurses and other doctors on call believed they could keep me stable until he returned. The surgeon returned a few days later and scheduled to perform my surgery on Wednesday, May 22. I can vividly remember him coming in and explaining what the surgery would be like. He informed me the tumor was located in a difficult place to reach, which could possibly leave me with long term side effects, so he probably wouldn’t be able to remove all of it. This was not the news I was hoping or expecting to hear. I just started bawling. I wanted this huge nuisance out of my head completely, and wanted to be back to living a normal life. The day of the surgery I had so much support at the hospital. So many people were there to pray and comfort my family during this long 6 hour procedure. The morning of the surgery, I could feel the nervousness and uneasiness of all my family and friends. When it came to doctors, surgeries, and hospitals, I was normally a very nervous person. On this particular day though, I felt a total sense of peace. I was the one trying to keep everyone calm; assuring them I would be just fine. I knew I was in God’s hands. When I awoke from surgery the doctors informed me that they believed they got about 90% of the tumor. What incredible news! The day after my surgery, my Dad and one of the resident doctors broke the news to me that my tumor was malignant. I was devastated! I stayed in the hospital for two weeks after surgery to heal and go through some physical and cognitive therapy. Would I need to start chemotherapy or radiation? Would I lose my hair? Was I going to live? Oh, so many questions! During my stay in the hospital and when we returned home, my family and I came to realize how blessed we are. We had so many people praying for us. The night before my surgery, a group of close family friends called to say that they would all be on their knees praying at 9 p.m. that night and wanted us to spread the word so others could join them. There were so many friends and even people I didn’t personally know adding me to their prayer lists at church. Also, let me mention how thankful I am that God brought my boyfriend, Justin and I back together during this time, for he stayed with me the entire time I was in the hospital, and has provided me with the love and support I’ve needed ever since. The support from our family, friends and the community was amazing. They were so gracious and organized many fundraisers to help with my medical care. The week I returned home I got a call from my doctor. The pathology report was back on my tumor. He informed me that my tumor is a stage two (slow growing) oligoastrocytoma. The life expectancy is good for this type and grade of tumor. Oh lord, but I was still so very scared. My neurosurgeon decided treatment was not needed since the tumor was slow growing, and we would just monitor it with MRIs every 3 months. Everything went smooth until December of 2013, when my MRI showed growth. Surgery was not an option, since the remaining tumor was still too dangerous to remove. Chemo was the route that I was going to have to take. I started chemo in January of 2014. I was so fortunate that is was a pill form that I would take from home. I took it five days each month. I tolerated it fairly well with some nausea and fatigue. The chemo was effective during this year. My tumor remained stable and even shrunk a little during one month of treatment. The doctor explained to me that this was a bonus as they only expected the chemo to keep the tumor from growing, not to shrink it. After one year on chemo, the doctors gave me the option of remaining on chemo for peace of mind or going off of it. I didn’t even have to think about it, I was going off of chemo and I was not going to worry about it growing back. I had given this burden to God and I knew he was going to carry it for me. I remained off of chemo for 18 months, but in June of this year, I had to go back on it because my tumor started growing again. This time my insurance company would not allow me to have the name brand chemo until I had failure on the generic. I immediately had failure on the generic chemo with the tumor continuing to grow and even showing more aggressive cells. I was finally given the name brand chemo and my doctors decided to increase the dosage. Since this change, my tumor has been stable. With the increased dosage of chemo, I have more nausea and fatigue, but I am so thankful that the growth has stopped. There have been no other signs of the more aggressive cells which baffled the doctors. They did not expect this to go away. I attribute this to the many prayers I have each time I go to the doctor and God hearing these prayers. Living with a brain tumor definitely has its challenges. I suffer from headaches, fatigue and am at risk for having seizures. The doctors have explained to me that this is not a sprint relay, but a marathon. When I go to doctor appointments, I always have to be prepared to hear “your tumor is growing again.” Sometimes, my doctor appointments are upsetting, but other times I get to celebrate victories. I am blessed with great doctors and a God that never leaves my side. As a result of this journey, I have definitely become closer to God. Every day I do my best to give all my worries to him. He has my life planned perfectly just for me! I am always asked “how do you handle knowing that you will have a brain tumor the rest of your life?” I pray for a miracle every day, but I have peace of mind knowing God is in control. After my diagnosis, my family and I decided that we were going to live life to the fullest each and every day. We do not want to waste time worrying. My week of chemo is never easy, but I know that I can make it through it with God’s help. The healthcare system can be confusing with so many different options, so I pray for God’s direction in every decision that my family and I make. Now I have a new normal where I rely on my faith in God more than ever before. One thing that has been very clear to me on this journey is how important my faith is, for with my faith comes hope, and with that I keep this scripture close to heart. “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1 Dear Heart Design's pieces are meant to provide opportunities to share your story or testimony with others. Each story shared in Unveiling Grace receives a piece to allow them to further share their story with others every single day. Have a story to share? www.dearheartdesigns.com
I've always known Christ. I grew up a Christian and was instilled with Christian beliefs from a very young age. My family didn't always go to church, but I was always taught about Jesus and the Bible, and I always found hope in the story of the Gospels. Through all of my adult life, I really considered myself a Christ follower and never gave it much afterthought. I knew I believed, and I knew where my identity lied, but on April 1st, 2007 I received devastating news that shook me to my core and made me rethink everything I knew of God at that time in my life. On Sunday April 1st, 2007 I was away at college in Edmond, OK. I was 19, and it was a typical lazy college Sunday in my dorm. I received a phone call from my cousin who lived in the same town, saying that she was coming over to talk to me about something. I could tell something wasn't right and I would later find out that my mom sent her to tell me the news because she didn't want me to be alone when I found out. When she got there, she sat me down on my bed and told me the news -- "Your dad had a heart attack." Those words rang through my ears and pierced through my heart like a knife. I knew as soon as the words left her lips that he was gone. My daddy. My rock. My best friend in this entire world. Gone. And I never got to tell him one last time how much I loved him. In fact, the last time I had spoken to him, a week prior, I wasn't even very nice to him. In that moment, and for a long time after, I hated God and I wrestled with guilt and doubt. If He was so good, why would He take my precious, sweet dad who EVERYONE loved away from me? I questioned every intention and plan God had for my life from that point on for a long time to come. Somewhere along the line though, I can't exactly say when it was, but I was able to find healing, and more importantly forgiveness, and start to rebuild trust in my Heavenly Father. I was able to get to the point of at least knowing Him again, but it wasn't until my son was born in 2014 that I really came to know the Lord on a much deeper level and came to know what kind of Father God really is. Two years ago, my husband and I had our first child. When we found out we were pregnant we were ecstatic to start the family we had always dreamed of. I had an easy and smooth pregnancy with no complications at all... until it wasn't. At 31 weeks gestation, I had gone in for my appointment with the worst headache I'd ever experienced, however I had chalked it up to just allergies. I also had recently developed swelling in my feet, which I just thought was a normal pregnancy symptom. When the nurse took my blood pressure, it showed 210/116 and we both thought something wasn't right with the cuff. She took it again with a different cuff, and then did it manually, and both times were just as high. My doctor came in and saw me immediately. She was a bit concerned so she had me take a urine sample, which several minutes later confirmed an abnormally high protein count. It turns out, the headache was due to the extremely high blood pressure and the swelling due to edema and hypertension. My doctor informed me that I had developed severe preeclampsia. She told me that she was admitting me to the hospital and that I would likely have to be care flighted to Fort Worth that same day. The biggest piece of information? I would very likely be having my son way earlier than expected. Shock. Complete and utter shock, so much so that I could barely comprehend what my doctor was telling me. My husband works in the oilfield and often has no cell service on location so it was no surprise that I wasn't able to reach him after trying. I proceeded to call my mom several times with no luck either. By this point I was starting to get worried and the fear was starting to set in. I felt all alone since I couldn't get a hold of my family to tell them what was going on. I finally was able to get a hold of my step dad, and by the time he answered the phone I was sobbing so much that he could barely make out my words. I was admitted to labor and delivery where I was monitored more while I waited for the care flight team. It was decided that I would in fact have to have my son early, and it would be better for me to be at Harris Methodist when that time came with an impeccable NICU team because at this point we didn't really know what we were facing. I was care flighted from Wichita Falls to Fort Worth that night. The ride there was frightening to say the least. The care flight team was encouraging and kept reassuring me everything was going to be ok, but I remember thinking to myself, "How could they possibly know all would be well!?", as I'm hooked up to machines flying Lord knows how many feet over North Texas. I remember praying my heart out to God for those entire 45 or so minutes. Giving it all to Him, and letting him have complete and utter control. And in the midst of that chaos, I heard God whisper, I'm here... trust Me. I realized that I was never alone in that doctor's office because God was with me the entire time. He calmed all my fears and brought me a peace that surpassed all understanding in that moment, but that peace wouldn't last long, because not long after we arrived I began to wrestle with the doubt and fear that was creeping in again. The next 24 hours were a whirlwind and a bit of a fog. I was given Magnesium Sulfate to try to control my blood pressure and they spent the night monitoring me. That first night was crucial because they had a hard time getting my blood pressure under control the entire night and were very concerned that I'd be having our baby boy before the sun came up. Woman to woman - as if the thought of laboring your first child isn't scary enough, to think something tragic could possibly happen, especially this late in the game, just elevates that fear even more. Satan really likes to get in our heads and make us think the worst, just like he did when my dad passed from this earth and into Heaven. Thankfully, God heard me and knew my heart. All my prayers worked and I was able to stay on bed rest for nine whole days, although those nine days were filled with unknowns and me wrestling with doubt and with God over and over again. Not knowing when I would have my son, not knowing if he would be alright, or if I would be alright. A lot of this time is now a blur two years later, but I now know that God was stretching my faith and pushing me to trust in Him and His plan, even when I couldn't see it. Over the course of those nine days, the doctors and nurses not only monitored my levels, but they also monitored the baby's heartbeat and movement. He was really active until about the 7th day, and then movement starting getting slower and harder to find. On the ninth day, I spent the entire morning with a monitor on my belly, and to no avail there was a faint heartbeat but absolutely no movement. If you're a mother, you can imagine how scary this was for us. The thought of potential tragic heartbreak lurked through my mind again. The doctor that was on call told me that the reason that there was no movement was because he wasn't getting enough blood and oxygen from the placenta and that it was time. They had to take him to ensure his health and my own, and the tears came pouring out like a river. I had been putting on a brave face up until this point but I couldn't hold it in any longer. On Sept. 11th 2014, our son was born two months premature. Two months exactly before his due date weighing less than 3 lbs. The thought of such a tiny little human being able to thrive with no complications at all was the furthest thought from my mind. I just wanted him to survive. That was my only prayer. "Please God, just let us keep him." I know I prayed that prayer in my head and aloud probably 1,000 + times over the 30 days that we spent in the NICU, and each day our precious tiny boy got stronger and each day his doctor was thrilled with the progress he was making. In the days to follow I continued to surrender everything to God. I didn't know if our boy would be ok.. if I would be ok.. how long we would be in the hospital; but I knew that I was not in control and that the only thing I could do was give it to God and rest. And that's exactly what He allowed me to do. Rest. In the middle of utter chaos and the unknown, daily I was overwhelmed with the peace He brought to me. It was in those days of surrendering to Him that my relationship with Him began to grow much deeper.. and definitely much sweeter, than I had ever imagined it could be after He took my dad home to be with Him. Our son never had any major complications or hiccups. He was strong and brave. I know that that can only be a God thing and that He is going to use him to do great things for His Kingdom someday. I know that our NICU story isn't near as scary and traumatic as several others. There are so many other NICU families that don't have the outcome that we did. But it's our story. And it brought me closer to God than I ever thought possible. It proved to me that God really does use your scariest and darkest valleys in order to lead you to victory. It proved to me that He absolutely will give us more than we can handle, so that we will learn to surrender to Him fully and trust that He will take our struggle and make something good from it. He showed me that He really won't forsake us. He took my fear and doubt, right when I was smack dab in the middle of it, and turned it around and gave me the strength and bravery I so desperately needed in those moments, and I know my dad had a hand in that too. Sweet sister, I pray the same peace for you. If you are struggling with doubting and trusting God, I pray you find encouragement in my story. All it takes is prayer... a real and raw and honest conversation with God. Sometimes that looks like crying and screaming out to, or even at Him, when you can't understand why. Throwing it all out on the table for Him, and then sitting and listening intently for His voice. That's when He stretches us. He's got your back, even when you can't see the outcome. Sure, life still is never perfect and never will be. Being an oilfield family, we have had major financial stress since the birth of our son. We've had marital struggles because of that stress, we've (again) questioned God's goodness, but He ALWAYS, ALWAYS leads us back to Him and shows us that He is in control and that He has us covered, even when we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. He always gives us the courage and the strength to keep pushing forward somehow. I recently read a quote from Holley Gerth: "I realize maybe I've misunderstood what brave feels like: I thought it was a roar and lunge. But maybe it is a whisper and a trembling step. I thought it was loud and bold. Perhaps it is quiet and almost invisible. I imagined it would mean the absence of all insecurity. Yet I'm wondering now if it's faith dancing the two-step with doubt. If this is so, then what makes me brave is also what scares me silly." I think that couldn't be more true of our Father. He ALLOWS us to doubt in fear in order to stretch us in our faith. He allows us to ask Him the tough questions. And then He whispers, trust Me, and MAKES us brave. Dear Heart Design's pieces are meant to provide opportunities to share your story or testimony with others. Each story shared in Unveiling Grace receives a piece to allow them to further share their story with others every single day. Have a story to share?
www.dearheartdesigns.com It’s hard to really put into words who I was before this part of my journey happened. Honestly it’s hard to remember. At the time, I would have said I was just a normal 26 year old. I had moved to Fort Worth for grad school and after I decided that school wasn’t the place for me, I made the decision to stay in Fort Worth. I was working and had friends and was just happy and things were good. At this point, I would say my relationship with God wasn’t the main priority. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t a wild child rebel but I wasn’t close to God. I really don’t like saying his name at all and even now, I rarely say it. Around the time I met him, I was still in grad school and the way we met was like a dream. The guy I met that night swept me off my feet and there was such a deep connection. I’m not going to lie- I was smitten. Everything about him (or should I say everything he showed me) was just what I’d been looking for. Between this night and when we started dating, there were just a lot of things that looking back now, I see were red flags. Actually they were neon-blinking signs. We would talk and went on dates and then he would disappear. He would come back around and then bail. This went on for about a year. At the time I didn’t know that I was going through kind of a lost period. I was questioning a lot of things in my life and was very, very insecure. Fast forward to June of 2010, I don’t know how to explain it but we ended up talking and one day he came over and just never left. At the beginning, things were good. The newness was still there. He definitely had a temper and would fly off the handle at the littlest things. But it was never directed at me. However, slowly he began to isolate me from my family and friends. And for me, my family and friends are everything. He would berate me and make fun of me for talking to my mom as often as I did. It just became easier to not talk to her as much. While we were together, I saw my best friends, maybe three times and he would never want to meet them. He would constantly tell me how lucky I was to be with someone like him and that I’d never get anyone as “hot”. When you hear those things enough, you just start believing them. About 5 months into our relationship was when everything changed for the worse. Let me stop here and add that I tried to look happy but inside my heart was twisted up and I just felt like something wasn’t right. I ignored it and pushed the questions and doubts back. I’m not stupid, I saw his phone and that he was talking to some girl and when I asked him about it, he freaked out. It’s really hard to think about and talk about. But that was the first night that he physically abused me. I’ve never been hurt as bad as I was that night (up to that point, anyway). At one point he actually took a beer cap and scratched it so deep in my chest I still have the scars. I had always said “I would never ever in a million years stay with someone who abused me.” But the truth is you don’t know until you are there. He had me so convinced that I was nothing without him by this point. Where would I go? How could I tell the people I love that he beat the crap out of me? After he had calmed down he was so apologetic. Man he was so good with words and he made me really think he was so sorry and that he would never do it again. He begged me to stay. In my head, I knew I should run but my heart wasn’t sure. He played on my love for him and my insecurities that were just below the surface. After that night, I learned something. I learned how to get really good at lying. When my family asked me what happened to my chest, I would reply that my cat, Apollo, had gotten mad and scratched me. The reason why I got that good at lying was that despite the presents and promises, that night was just the beginning. He did it again and again and again. In the course of about a two year relationship, I was kicked, choked, burned with cigarette butts (even more painful than I could ever describe), spit on, punched in the face, bitten, and this happened more times than I could ever count. Life was unbearable but I was so brainwashed. He would punch me in my face and I would apologize. I shouldn’t have been so stupid and made him so mad. I can remember standing in front of the bathroom mirror, covered in bruises from head to toe after a really bad night with him and I didn’t even cry. I was so numb and I honestly believed at that time it was my fault. If I was better, smarter, prettier, he wouldn’t get so mad and he wouldn’t beat me up. I also learned how to cover things up with makeup, long sleeve shirts and hats. I avoided my family and when I had a mark or bruise, I’d lie. I burned myself on my straightener when he’d burned me with a cigarette butt. I hit my head on a cabinet when really he punched me in the forehead about 20 times. I’m not sitting here and saying poor me or putting all the blame on him. I was at such a low place that it was easy for him to swoop in and just take over. To let him start really slow and quiet at first, filling me all of these things. Over time I really believed it…. I was stupid, I was weak, I was ugly and fat and I should thank God everyday that he picked me to be with, I’ll never be anything without him. I’ll never be with anyone as good as him. Everything I did was wrong. Everything I said was wrong. I apologized for everything. He would beat me and eventually he stopped apologizing. But I always apologized for whatever I did or said that made him mad. There was a point closer to the end of our relationship where I started to feel like I had enough. I didn’t know if I could or how it was possible to get away from him. The abuse (physical, mental, emotional) was happening every single day. I would get ready to leave and he would say that he would kill Apollo and me first. So I would get scared. He had proven that he was very capable of hurting my cat and me. I’d want to leave again and then he would start to say that if I left he would kill himself. I thought I loved him and how could I live with myself if he killed himself because I left? The next time I really tried to leave, he told that he would kill my parents and me. I know it sounds like talk but I knew just what he could do. I was so isolated and knew that people would judge me for staying about two years. I felt so trapped and so low and I can remember laying in bed thinking that the only way I was going to escape this hell was to kill him. I really felt like there was no other way. I don’t really remember how it happened but Evan and I were at my parents’ house and my mom saw the bruises on my face. I’ll never forget the look on her face when she saw and really realized what they were. The day before he had been especially brutal and he had actually hit me full force with a baseball bat. I’ll never forget her crying and without me saying anything, she knew. That day, I took him back to Fort Worth and went back home to parents. God could only direct the way that day unfolded. It was like I stopped lying and hiding and just admitted what had been going on. I went home with just what I had in my car. All of my possessions had been pawned. I had no money, no job. Nothing. I was a shell. I was empty and broken and felt like the worlds biggest disappointment. It was so hard to face my parents. I had everything and I threw it all away for him because I believed all the lies he told me. I let him hurt me so bad that I still have the scars today. I was at a place where I was so far from God and so insecure that this abusive con artist just slid right in and took over. It was hard to face my parents. It was even harder to face God. I felt so much shame and regret and hurt and brokenness. This was in 2012. Fast-forward four years and as I’m sitting here, it is physically painful to think about this. However, I’m here to say that redemption is possible. It has been the hardest, longest, most painful journey of my life to come back from those two years and what he did to me. I can honestly can that because of God, the amazing support of my family and best friends; I am not the person I was. I had to apologize to a lot of people and I had to make amends but the people who truly love me never hesitated to forgive me and restore relationships. God has used the last four years to take me from a place of intense shame and darkness to a place where I don’t want to throw up when I think about him or the past. He has brought me to the place where I feel free. When I was with him I lost an apartment, four jobs, and racked up a lot of debt. God met me in my brokenness and slowly began to move. The physical scars healed and faded but the emotional ones were a lot harder to get over. I had this tape in my mind that would just play and replay and play again of the things he said to me, the horrible names he would call me. Even now, I still have to fight the replay. Words can do cosmic damage. Four years later and I am at the best place I’ve been in. I have a full time job that is the biggest blessing. I have an amazing tribe- my family and best friends are my rock. I’m paying off all the debts I’ve accumulated so I can move forward. Let me just stop here and say that once the hurt and shame began to heal, a lot of anger began to creep in. Anger like I’d never felt before. Anger towards him for hurting me so bad- nearly killing me a few times. There were some moments when I just wanted to find him and punch him in throat. I was also really mad at myself. Mad that I let myself get in that situation and staying in it. Mad that I was so weak and so insecure it was that easy for him to take me over. The anger was actually the hardest part to get over. My intense anger towards him was not affecting him in the least. It wasn’t hurting him. It was only hurting me. It really is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I had put so many hours and so much work into this healing process and the anger was hindering it. I had to get to the place when I got right with God and truly felt forgiven for the hundreds of mistakes Id made. God met me where I was and took me by the hand and led to a place of restoration. I’ve retrained my mind to not hear the endless bunch of lies he told me for two years. I had to retrain myself to believe that God still loved me even though I let him down in astronomical ways. I am not the thousands of horrible things he said to me. I am beautiful and worthy and am here for reason. My scars indicate where I have been, they do not have to dictate where I’m going. I guess my goal in sharing this part of my life (something I’d much rather hide and forget) is to hopefully show to power of God’s grace and redemption. I feel so strongly about women who are in relationships like the one I was in. Society tells you that you should have left. You could have gotten out. It is not that simple. When your partner is so deep in your mind, you believe everything he says. Words are so powerful and can destroy you from the inside out. No matter what he says, society says, you weren’t weak for staying. You didn’t deserve what you went through or are going through.
In writing this and really looking inward, I’m realizing that hiding from the past doesn’t change it. I think what I went through has given me a different perspective. It makes me want to see past the façade and the smile people show and really dig deep. Now, I don’t want superficial small talk or sugarcoated words. I want relationships that are deep and meaningful. I have learned that my relationship with God and my relationship with myself are things that take the highest importance. I have to take what I have learned from what I went through to be a better person, to be more loving and kind. I don’t know how the rest of my story will play out. For the first time, I can honestly say I feel so excited and so hopefully for the future. It’s still hard to look in the mirror and see the scars. But God is changing how I see them. Looking back, I can see that even when I felt so alone, God was always right there. He is reason that I am alive because there were dozens of times he could have just killed me. My story could have ended so differently. I can’t even put into words how thankful I am for my family who surrounded me, supported me and loved me through the darkest days. And my best friends! Oh my goodness! They know who they are and to have people who know my past and love me anyway, to have a safe place to go with no judgment or expectations is something I treasure. I’m so thankful that God didn’t leave me, even though I left him. I bought the “grace upon grace” necklace from Dear Heart Designs during this journey because it really spoke to me and described this season of growth and restoration. I’m alive because of grace. I am here- healthy, happy and healed- because of grace. I have a future and so many wonderful things in my life because of grace. And someday, through grace, I want to use my story and my voice to help other women. If what I went through could touch one person’s heart, this would all be worth it. Life is beautiful and fragile and hard and fleeting. This whole experience has taught me to really grab a hold of life and soak up every moment. To put other people’s needs before my own. To show people that they matter. Their story matters. KINDNESS is so important and the world needs more of it. I’m just one person but I can make a difference in the lives of people around me. So because of grace I can say that even when it’s hard and hurts and you think there is no possible way out, there is. Just keep looking. The love & light bar can be purchased here.
Dear Heart Design's pieces are meant to provide opportunities to share your story or testimony with others. Each story shared in Unveiling Grace receives a piece to allow them to further share their story with others every single day. Have a story to share? www.dearheartdesigns.com It was September 27, I will never forget that day. The mood in our household was completely different as I was listening to the man I vowed my forever with, telling me that he didn't love me anymore and that he was not coming back home. I never knew what it felt like to have an “out of body” experience but I did that day. My whole world was shifted and turned upside down. I sat there with tears streaming down my face while not even one single tear touched his. I knew he didn’t love me and though the past several months I did counseling, read books, and listen to sermon after sermon..it did nothing to save my marriage. A million questions popped into my mind- How am I going to raise our child alone? How will I support us? How could he do this to me? What is wrong with me? It all ran through my head over and over. I begged him not to go as I did not believe in divorce through my faith in Christ, but I was left with no options. It turned out he was there with someone else he had been seeing for months- the ultimate betrayal. What most people do not know about my divorce is three days before this conversation, I sat down in the back of my church during the middle of the day for hours praying and crying. I asked God to show me what He wants in my life. I asked for forgiveness in my marriage and if His will be done, to save it. I remember after literally handing it all over to him in prayer, a calming feeling coming over me. It was like I felt Jesus standing there telling me "My child, I shed my blood for you and I will redeem you out of this too." James 1:6- “But he must ask in faith without doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed in the wind.” Fast forward three more months, I was sitting at lunch with my mom and sister when my mom first told us that my parents, after 25 years, are now getting a divorce. Nothing was making sense. I was listening to “reasons” and I was thinking how fixable their marriage was. Though their marriage was no picture perfect, I never imagined my parents getting a divorce. While still trying to figure out how to feel and process my own marriage failing, I now had to deal with my family falling apart as well. There is no greater fear than feeling as though your entire foundation of "family" is falling apart around you and all you can do is watch and pray. Well, I did...for months and months and unfortunately the divorce was a done deal. Not only did I lose my foundation of my family, but I lost a best friend as distance grew and grew between my mom and I. It was just one more core relationship that I lost in a short amount of time. Fast forward four more months. I received a call that my best friend's dad (basically my second dad) was having complications from his cancer and would be needing surgery. I went to the hospital every single day for 6 days. I watched him get better and then worse. I even took my sweet Mady Sue up to see Mr. Tony. The night before he passed away, Mady went into his room and sang him “Jesus loves me”…I will never forget that moment that he looked over to her and smiled. He took a turn for the worst on a Tuesday evening and at 3:00 am, I received a text from my friend that he passed away. It is still a loss that I cannot process, but everytime we drive by Tony’s grave site, Mady always says “Look mom! Mr. Tony is with Jesus and God! His tummy doesn’t hurt anymore.” Phillippians 1:3-“ I thank my God every time I remember you.” Two months after this, I was pulled into the office at my work and was told that I lost my job. I begged for them to keep me in my position but there was nothing I could do. As a single mom, that is the biggest fear as you do not know how you will provide for your child. I was now single, alone, and not without a job. There was my breaking point- I had literally lost everything. My husband, my family, my best friend's dad, and now my job. If ever there was a lowest of lows, I can tell you that this was it. What was God trying to show me? Why would he let all this happen to me? And all in the same year? It almost seemed cruel. I remember literally sitting down on my kitchen floor and crying harder than I have ever cried before. I threw my hands up and handed over every emotion from the past year over to him and said "God I can't anymore, but you can. Let Thy Will Be Done" and this is how I can tell you about his amazing Grace. You see- when God allowed Zach to leave me, He taught me that I am strong but not just for myself, that I am strong in my faith and he is my strength. I also learned and remembered that God was my first soulmate. He created an everlasting love for me and something no one will ever come between. He was there to catch my tears and heal a broken heart, and He loves me…really loves me. God made a man who is perfectly designed for me and my heart- and I will wait for him. When my parents divorced- He showed me a love that I never felt through my sister- who is now by far my best friend. She was there to make sure I didn't fall and when I did, she was there to remind me how much God loves me and that He is my new husband who will be there to love me, support me, and comfort me. She cried with me, laughed with me, and even made sure to include me in everything so I knew I still had a family with hers. When Tony died, I was able to witness to my best friend and remind her family that though this was hard, God was going to hold Tony with open and loving arms. And I was there to hold my best friend with a Christ love in a hard time. And lastly, when I lost my job, He gave me an even better opportunity for me and Mady. I am not afraid anymore because you see...my God always had my back. He was always there for me and even at my lowest of lows, He held me and took it all off my shoulders when I couldn't bare no more. I am amazed that I can serve the one True God who so selfishly loves me more than I deserve. Jeremiah 29:11-“For I know what I have planned for’, says the Lord. ‘I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope.”
Dear Heart Design's pieces are meant to provide opportunities to share your story or testimony with others. Each story shared in Unveiling Grace receives a piece to allow them to further share their story with others every single day. Have a story to share? www.dearheartdesigns.com |
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